From F1 to TV at 36

I worked at McLaren from 2007 until 2017 (working at Flight Centre for 2 years in between). I was always one who never knew what I wanted to do. I ended up in IT because I wanted to do something with design... but I never knew how or what, so settled on that as I felt I had to go to University. At school, I was told to do something with languages, just because I spoke Japanese. I did a degree in Information Systems & Design. I hated it. I pretended to be a geek for about 15 years...

In 2016, Philip.K.Dick's Electric Dreams was filmed at McLaren and I along with other employees took part as an "Extra". During the tedious amount of standing around, I watched the 1st Assistant Director, not knowing what his role was at the time, but he had the loudest voice and seemed to be controlling everything that was going on.
I researched this role when I got home, out of interest as I had no idea what the hundreds of people on a filmset do. Then I discovered a course aiming to be an Assistant Director being offered at the National Film & Television School.
For years, I'd told myself I was going to quit my job and be a photographer. I didn't. Because I was too scared of uncertainty and having no money. I looked at Psychology. Told myself I was going to do courses and help other people. I didn't.
I applied to the NFTS as soon as I saw the course. Half heartedly, because I knew I wouldn't get in to one of the best film schools in the UK, I was old and I didn't have the money anyway.
Then, I decided to think about it, only a little bit. I went to the interview, still not knowing what I was really doing. I was a successful Project Manager. I liked my job. It was interesting and I enjoyed managing the varied projects I had to work with and seeing them succeed and make a difference.

In July 2017, I got an email, offering me at place on the NFTS Assistant Directing and Floor Managing Course starting in September. I was sat at my desk at McLaren and had no idea what I was going to do about this e-mail.

An hour later, I asked my boss for a chat and handed in my 3 months notice. He was not amused. (I don't know if he remembers, that the previous year he had said to me; "Steph, you need to go and work in film or something and be creative"... I laughed this off not knowing the reality of it was to come.
I'd think about how I'd pay for the course, how I was going to go to school for a year and not be able to work. how I was going to pay bills, how I was going to live, later.
I decided that I want to continue living life without regrets. I knew that if I didn't try this, in a few years time, I would wish that I had. I have lived this way for the past 10 years. The biggest thing for me is not to regret something. I have no regrets. At all.
20 years earlier, I turned down a job which would have led me into the TV industry. But I don't regret it. Because my experiences from that point until now had led me to learn a lot and be who I am today. And prepared me for my new chosen career, which isn't too different to the one that I had, ultimately.
When I was about 14, I was determined to work in TV and Film. But I had no idea how. I tried by doing work experience at Nickelodeon and various other places but without the internet, I could only rely on my letter writing and any family contacts - of which there were none. I kinda gave up at that point...

I can't say it wasn't scary. Walking into school at aged 36. Having to meet new classmates, having no idea about the film industry, having no idea really of what I was actually doing... because I didn't think about it. I just did it.

It turned out to be an awesome experience. I learnt a lot, made new friends, made lots of films and enjoyed every minute of it. I also realised how I seem to want to put myself in situations where I am constantly busy, brain working at a hundred miles an hour, managing multiple situations and people. I guess that's how I work best. In work and in life.

The scariest part was finishing school. What now? How do I get a job?
July 2018, whilst working on our graduation film.... I got a call from a lovely 2nd Assistant Director out of the blue, asking if I was interested in working on a Japanese/English TV show. HELL YES! They'd found my blank film CV on Google and couldn't find many Japanese/English speaking runners. And since then, I've found constant work through contacts (initially made at the NFTS) and have luckily worked on some great shows with amazing cast and crews.

My life now is very different to how it was. I had to start right at the bottom again.
I earn a LOT less than I did, my work is always uncertain and I feel like my every day skills are used to shout "Quiet Please. Rolling" and making tea and coffee. I don't even do that. The machine does it. I got quite good at predicting what drink Helena Bonham Carter would want next though...

BUT, eventually, I hope to work my way up and start using my brain a bit more and continue on the path to becoming a 1st AD.  This is going to take a while...
I've met so many talented and lovely people along the way and I don't regret any of it. I believe you should always follow your dreams. Happiness comes before anything. You only live once. It's taken me a very long time to work out what happiness is. A VERY long time And I still am not 100% sure of what it is, but I'm working on it. :)

Some fun facts from the last couple of years of tea making:

Zach Woods bought me a Melodica because I was too scared to play the piano
Hugh Laurie inspired me to play the piano again
Josh Gad and Jessica St Clair called me a hot Jedi
Aoi Okuyama is an awesome little sister
Andy Buckley is the friendliest/craziest/kindest man I've ever met
Helena BC and I share a love for tiny things and doors
Olivia Colman sent me to choose and buy a chandelier which is now hanging up in her house. 

By the way, the Japanese show I worked on is called Giri/Haji. It's on Netflix. Check it out, its awesome. I made coffee for all of them. :)

P.S: I'm not a director. I don't want to be a director. I will never be a director.  A 1st AD works alongside the Director and the Director of Photography (DoP) to create the filming schedule, and make sure it all goes to plan. I've made it sound easy... but I reckon it's probably one of the hardest jobs on a filmset. 

                                                                                     ADFM Class of 2018 NFTS - Graduation

I like dogs. This was an actresses BIG dog, on my desk

Clipped Clippings, Kindling Kindle... Don't go there

I bought a Kindle a couple of weeks ago. I have become a book reading fiend.
As an only child, I used to sit for hours reading and reading and reading... My room was piled high with books and I loved having a collection that I could read over and over again.
I stopped reading once I started racing. I don't know why. I didn't have the patience to sit and not think. My mind was constantly racing just like my job was.
Now that we have no choice but to be with ourselves, my Kindle is the best thing I've discovered. I've started reading again and finding out that my mind can race within a book again.
In particular, 2 books by author Adam Fletcher. "Don't Go There' and 'Don't Come Back'. These books have resonated with me massively, more than any other book has before. My thoughts about myself and travel have become almost obsessional over the past week.
It was due to these books that I found my blog again. I wished I had written all my thoughts and experiences down too.... and then realised today, that I had. I actually can't believe that I forgot.
Anyone who knows me well, will know that I have an interest in unusual things. Taking photographs of strangers possessions abandoned years ago, finding wartime buildings with memories left inside, having the desire to visit countries other people may choose not to acknowledge. (My ticket to Krakow got cancelled last month... but I'll be visiting Auschwitz as soon as I am allowed).
I've visited Cambodia, Berlin, Belgium, France, Wales.... and when asked what I did there, I haven't been able to name any tourist attractions... because I'm too busy in the middle of nowhere looking for the lost and forgotten. Except for Spaghetti Ice Cream in Germany of course....

I'm still in the process of working out why I like these places. Is it because I am lost? Why am I so intrigued to find out more about unusual events in history? What is this morbid fascination? Why do I photograph broken things?

Anyway, I found some interesting quotes I resonated with along my Kindling journey and thought I'd post them here:

"It’s easy to believe you made all the important decisions in your existence—where you live, whom you date, the job you do, your friends. Yet under closer scrutiny, isn’t it obvious only the small decisions, the A or B choices, are yours? The big things—class, personality, intelligence, appearance—the things that decide how good options A and B will be, they’re cards dealt at birth in a game you must play."
Don''t Come Back - Adam Fletcher

"Interculturality and travel are the best chances to stop that process; to challenge ourselves and our prejudices; to remain open, young, and relevant. To not think that our way is the right way, the normal way, the default way, and that everyone else—in funny, foreign places—is wrong and weird. If we do that, stay that open and flexible, we’ll never forget . . .” I paused, even though half the room could have finished the sentence for me. “How to fly.”"

Don''t Come Back - Adam Fletcher

"I reminded myself that this was the destination. The cave wouldn’t matter, would fade from my memory an hour after we’d left it. It was only the people, the stories, the journey, the uncertainty, and the potential of the next moment that counted. The destination was just the place you went last."
Don''t Come Back - Adam Fletcher

"I thought about how weird a human quirk it is that we consider whatever is exotic or mostly unachievable beautiful. So while we Europeans are heading out to the tanning salon to get darker skin and sweating our way round laps of the park to lose weight, there are Asian people covering their faces to keep their complexions white while the citizens of Ghana double down on fried chicken to try to stay un-trim. We just love to make it hard for ourselves. We are, in many ways, quite ridiculous..."
Don't Go There - Adam Fletcher

"That was what travel was for. The unfamiliarity of being where you don’t belong frees you from any expectations about how things there are supposed to work, and, in turn, how you will react to them."
Don't Go There - Adam Fletcher

"But life doesn’t wait till we are ready. More often than not, it throws us into the deep end and asks us to swim."
The Child of Auschwitz - Lily Graham

"But I have seen what people can do – what they can conquer, what they can survive – if they only will it so."

The Child of Auschwitz - Lily Graham

2020.....

OMG It's 2020.....

I started this blog in 2012.... and then forgot about it. 8 years has passed....
I remembered it because I've been reading a couple of books which brought up memories of things that I did, feelings that I had/have and wished I'd written them down... and today I realised that I did! This may be one of the best things I have ever discovered.

A lot has changed since 2012.

I no longer work in F1. I went back to school (National Film & Television School) in 2017 and decided I wanted to be an Assistant Director. More on this another time.

I now work on TV shows and films, although right now, I sit at home, eating, watching Netflix and reading books, because we are in lockdown due to a virus. For the past 9 weeks.

I need to get back into this.... It's been amazing to read what I wrote in the past.... what a weirdo I was then and still am.

...Looking at the settings of this blog... I found about 8 posts I had not published... between 2013 - 2017... I've published them now although I haven't read through them yet. Maybe that wasn't a good idea... oh well :) 

Inspiration

I arrived in St Lucia, feeling stressed and looking forward to a break of some sort. Hoping that at some point my head would stop thinking and my body would feel relaxed.. I stepped off the plane wearing a hoody and walked into a wall of heat. I couldn't take my jumper off as I had a bag in each hand so struggled through until I got into the car, overheating like a boil in the bag rice in a microwave. I arrived at Anse Chastanet reception within an hour and was given a delicious pink drink with sugar cane sticking out of it (called a Bentley) and was seated. I looked out and the view was breathtaking. Within 5 minutes I'd found that relaxed feeling and my stress had gone. I was shocked at these feelings as I've never had them before. Having struggled through the last few years with constant pressure, constant anxiety and self doubt, it was like a weight was suddenly lifted. I told the girl who was checking me in, how beautiful this place was and she replied "haha you haven't seen anything yet!" She wasn't wrong!

I was shown to my room, which had a half outside living area, with a view of the Pitons to my left and the sea to my right. Through a door was my bedroom with a huge bed and colourful surroundings. After taking in the fantastic views, I was down at the beach on a sunbed within the hour. After climbing down the many steps to the beach. That in itself was a workout every day. Anse Chastanet is on a mountain, therefore it's a steep climb to wherever you want to get to. Thankfully my room was only about 100 steps away from reception.... Another 100 to the beach.... Other rooms were at least double that... They must have known I'm unfit and don't like stairs :)

(Forgot to mention... as I sat in reception waiting to be checked in, alone.... I was asked, so are you here for your honeymoon?.... erm yes, as I sit here alone, jilted?.... I should have said yes. Maybe I would have got upgraded out of pity)

I had two days until the photography workshop started, so made the most of the time by going to a yoga class, diving and a sunset cruise around the Pitons with another member of my group who I'd met in Vienna. We also went snorkelling in which I was a poor snorkel partner... I swear a school of yellow fish were following me... I was taking underwater pics of them and they'd swim toward the camera not away! Posers! I had yellow fins on, so I think they thought I was one of them and decided to swim with me. I tried hard to pretend they weren't there, until I looked left and saw a long skinny fish, about a foot long with a bit pointy sharp nose. That was enough for me. I swam as fast as I could back to my sunbed leaving my buddy in the sea probably wondering where I'd gone... I must be the only person to be scared and swim away from fish while snorkelling. Loser!!!

On Sunday night I went to the Tree house restaurant to meet up with the rest of the photography group. We had welcome drinks and dinner all together. It was great to see Joe and his gang again, and to meet everyone. I'm not great at meeting new people. It scares me. Part of the reason why I take these courses is to push myself to be outside of my comfort zone. I'm one to stay quiet and observe until people get to know me well. Unless I click with someone instantly, that happens from time to time. 

The workshop consisted of classroom talks by Joe (McNally) and RC Concepcion (HDR/Adobe guru) in the mornings. We would go out in the afternoons, playing with lighting setups, capturing natural light and learning how Joe sees a picture. We had models to photograph and even went to the fire station in Soufriere to photograph the firemen. I took 3 photographs on the Tuesday which have been the best photos I've ever taken. And for me that's saying a lot, as usually I criticise my work so much and never like how my pictures turn out. The fire station for me was another story. My snorkel buddy and I were teamed up and scouted the station for a location with a story. We found a room upstairs that the guys use to rest in. It had a bed, clothes hanging up, boxes and old newspapers and books in the corner. A pretty dark room with a couple of windows for natural light. We may as well have found a sauna, sat in it for an hour before taking photos, then proceed to lose energy and any inspiration while continuing to sweat. I saw the picture I wanted, same goes for my partner...but the moment we set up our lighting, all rational seemed to have left via the sauna window. We called for help from Cali, one of Joes assistants, and he talked us through some ideas and left us to get our shot. No shot in sight. I'd lost the ability to see my picture anymore. We were happy when Joe came to find us and left us with a few more ideas and critique on what we were doing. What we were doing is making a big deal and getting no photo... RC then tried to help... Again, we tried his ideas and still no shot... We both eventually gave up, getting the best shot we could at that point and joining the others looking like we'd just stepped out of a swimming pool. We then got some inspiration and placed our next fireman on top of his truck, used big lighting on him and lit up a fire truck and glowed it's insides green. Finally, some creativity! 

That day, my thinking came back. I don't like failure. And I felt like I'd failed. I unrealistically compare myself to people like Joe who has been a master of his art for the best part of 40 years. And my impatience expects myself to be able to do what he does in 5 years on and off. The next couple of days, I felt pretty low. Wishing I could be who and what I want to be and frustrated that I wasn't. 

The day before I was on a huge high from getting photographs that little bit closer to where I'd wanted to be. To finally capture a shot and think "yeahhhh that's exactly what I was trying to do", and for the first time felt like I'd achieved something with my photographs. Even though, I got those shots with Joe as my lighting assistant, so of course they were going to be lit well! 

The rest of the week got better again. Watching how Joe works and seeing him see the frame, set it up and capture it within minutes, and have an awesome photograph was both frustrating and fascinating. Frustrating because I wish I could do that. 

Now, Joe McNally.

In my opinion, he is the best photographer I know of. I have followed him through my whole photography life. That whole 5 years! The first time I saw his shots online, I was amazed and inspired. 

To have now done 2 of his courses and to be able to watch how he works and learn from him is one of  the best experiences I've ever had. Not only is he an amazing photographer he is also the most genuine, humble and funniest man that I know. I could sit and listen to his stories for hours. 

If you look at his website, you will see all the famous people he has photographed. The enormity of the shoots he has done. Wouldn't you expect an egocentric asshole, protecting his photography secrets and not really giving a shit? He is the opposite. He answers everything genuinely, helps you as much as he can and takes the time to make sure you get it and openly speaks about everything. The first day I walked into his workshop in Vienna, within 5 minutes, he knew everyone's name and remembered them. That alone impressed me! I've been to photography classes with unknown photographers who are exactly what I described above. I don't think they even asked my name. Just as long as I knew theirs... I wont be doing any more courses with randoms.

There's a couple of specific occasions this week that I have been truly inspired, honoured and grateful for. I won't go into detail, but Joe, if you read this, a few words; 'Pizza night, D4 breakfast and the words "Steph, You had a good day"' Honoured.Grateful.Ecstatic. 

The course ended with a night shooting models on the beach with flambeaus around us. An awesome end to an amazing week. 

I had two days left to chill before flying home, so spent those relaxing on the beach, another yoga class and more snorkelling. This time I managed not to swim away. 

I met some other inspiring people. A beautiful couple who proved that love exists. Beautiful both inside and out. And I hope we will stay in touch and shoot together again. Another two who made my stomach muscles hurt from laughing, both so talented and beautiful souls. One of whom, I had a very thought provoking chat with before we left, and was surprised how similar we were. 

I'm now on the plane home and it's the first time ever that I don't mind how long the flight is. I used my points from travelling days to book a business flight....so flying with some space. This is awesome!!!! 

This week has been one of the best experiences I've ever had and has been an inspirational and thoughtful holiday. 

Soul searching with the angriest man in Brooklyn

I'm sat on a 8 hour plane journey pondering what life currently holds. I'm going to St Lucia! Never have I felt that I needed a holiday as much as this. To sit and do nothing for a while and turn off.

I changed job a few months ago. I'm now a project manager. And I feel like I haven't stopped thinking. And I've gained 3 more grey hairs.... I went to Japan for work for 2 weeks, Germany more times than I can count right now and lost a friend, who was taken too early. 

Although this is a holiday...it's also to attend another photography workshop with Joe McNally. This time more advanced to learn about lighting and using it! Can't wait to learn more from who I think is the most awesome photographer around, but to see the beach. A proper beach with Caribbean sun and idealistic surroundings...Not Bournemouth, which is the last beach I went to! 

Anyway so I look through the films on the plane and sit reading each review before take off.... It passed the time! And I noticed Robin Williams name on a film I hadn't heard of. Then realised actually I had... It's the last film he made. The angriest man in Brooklyn, about an unhappy man who finds out he has 90 minutes to live. I haven't been able to watch any Robin Williams film recently because it makes me sad. I'm angry that such a respected man went through such a rough time. I can feel his pain. And I wish he had just stopped and realised what he was doing and what effect he would have on so many people, with the positive influence he spread which he couldn't find within himself. 

This film made me think.... Yes, even more than normal! But more about him than anything. He was pretty tough to be able to act that film, when inside he was torn apart. If only he could have seen the outcome. One of his lines from the film was "If I die this year, my headstone will say 19XX - 2014. The dash in the middle of that is the most important thing". So true Robin... 

It's a good film though, for people who think too much like I do. I also found out who Mila Kunis was. Intriguingly beautiful girl that!

So... I intend to get to St lucia in a few hours and sit on the beach and do absolutely nothing. I have 2.5 days to myself before the workshop starts so I think I need to do a bit of soul searching in that time! Step back and realise what's important and what isn't and prevent anymore grey hairs :) 

5 years of Photography

Have you ever been so in awe of someones work that it affects you emotionally?

I heard a quote last week which was:

"When you see someones photograph and it inspires you and affects you emotionally, you change..."

These words resonated with me massively. They were said in a classroom by Joe McNally, a photographer that astounds me. I had no experience of that feeling until I attended a weeks workshop with this photographer in Vienna/Prague.
5 years ago, a link was sent to me showing me this photographers website. I was instantly inspired and wanted to get out take photographs with my old 2nd hand Nikon D70. I looked up his workshops which were based in NYC but the 28 year old me couldn't justify the cost, and I've never been good at saving money so it would take me ages to save up and get out there... Instead I would have to take courses in the UK held by unknown photographers and learn by myself... So i spent the next 5 years with a camera in my hand. Taking pictures of friends, friends kids', parties, events, objects in my room, anything I could.
Constantly frustrated that I can see amazing photographs in my mind, but when it comes to transferring that through my camera, it never turns out the way I want it to.

One night, after photographing a friends hen do, my little old D70 got knocked to the floor, smashing the LCD and causing a CF error... Nikon quoted about £300 to fix it... That's more than the camera itself... Luckily my friend happened to be selling his D300 so I snapped that up so that I could continue taking photos.
A few years ago, I changed job which meant I was now travelling the world with work. I say travelling, but it was more work than travel. I didn't get to see much of the countries, of which I would have liked. Other cultures, dress, language, people, fascinate me. But unfortunately, all I saw was my aeroplane seat, a hotel room and a garage with a bunch of mechanics. It didn't matter what country we were in, the set up was the same each time. We could have been in the most amazing place, but my view was still of cars, white garage walls and not often enough, the backs of my eyelids.
This put a hasty stop on my photography. I bought a Nikon J1 for portability and so that I could occasionally take some snaps of a cool restaurant, food, my hotel room or a Chinese backdoor market or  cowboy boot store that I may have been visiting that week.

In the middle of 2013, my job changed again where I could be in one place and have time to do my own thing again. The D300 came out of the dust and the J1 is now in its place.
I've spent the last year trying to get back into taking photographs, trying to decide how I can turn my job into something I would love to wake up and do each day, to live out my passions rather than have to wait for weekends to shoot in my garden, the park or 1000miles around France looking for interesting places.

I got into derelict photography. Finding derelict buildings, which look like someone has walked out of their house some day in 1950 to go to work, never to return. This amazes me. How a house or a building can be left with all its contents for so long. It's great for me, I find it fascinating. But I wander around these places imagining what it must have been like, dreaming up scenes and images of how I imagined it looked like.  As always, never being able to capture the shot that I can see in my head.

At the beginning of the year my friend asked if I wanted to go to the Photography Show at Birmingham NEC. Yes! Sounded cool. So we bought tickets. Looking into the line up, I saw a name I recognised. A talk with Joe McNally. "Hey, thats the amazing photographer I'd heard of 5 years ago". I had to go.
This is the day that all hell broke loose in my head.

Listening to Joe speak about his photographs was not only inspiring but I was amazed at how what this guy was doing, is exactly what I wanted to be doing. I don't want to set up a website with my photos from parties and weddings and promote myself as a Pro photographer. I want to do something different. People have often said "so, what photography do you want to go into?" and I haven't been able to answer, except to say; "Well, I haven't got an answer. I like to turn boring things into something interesting. I guess thats not a market..."And Joe answered this for me. He is a generalist. He takes on anything without a question. Just goes and does it. Gets given an assignment and shoots the most creative and inspirational photos from something that could otherwise be seen as normal.

After the workshop, I sat looking at his website again and noticed that "Workshops" section again. Hesitantly I clicked it, hoping there'd be a workshop I could attend. Maybe a one day course in lighting or something in London? I might be able to scrape my pennies together and go on that? Damn, there was one of these, but it had completed last week. I'd missed it. No more UK workshops on the schedule. Then I noticed Vienna and Prague... Well, that isn't too far away.... I e-mailed the organiser, Liza, who was a lovely friendly animated character by e-mail. She replied saying that she had had 1 person drop out, so they luckily had 1 space free... Uh oh... What to do now...
The price of the course was a lot higher than what I am used to paying for, but this was Joe McNally. I wasn't paying some random so-called pro photographer to show me how to take photographs, that sometimes I'd thought I could take better myself...
After a day of thinking and trying to talk myself out of it because I couldn't afford it, and somehow I had mailed back and said "How do I sign up?", paid the money and booked the flights.

And the next thing I knew I was on a plane to Vienna...

Where is time going?

It's April... 2014... I have no idea where the last 4 months has gone... I have been keeping myself so busy, I haven't noticed life whizzing past me at the speed of light.
I don't think I have recovered from the pressure you are under when racing. I don't know how to relax. To just stop still and do nothing. I get antsy and get up and do something, even though I feel like I don't have the energy to. I need to learn how to stop still...

A lot has been going on. Since December, I have been in a play at the local theatre. First time i've been on a stage and had to say lines. In fact, i've been in two. One was a radio recording called Downcast Abbey, which we recorded on stage in front of an audience. The 2nd was a play called 84 Charing Cross Road, based on a book by Helene Hanff.

I guess I like to be challenged. I do stupid things that scare me. We spent a few months rehearsing for 84, and rehearsals were fine. Although i had a tough job learning lines. In the midst of that we had 1 rehearsal for Downcast Abbey. I was totally fine with it... until 30 seconds before the curtains opened, when my legs went to jelly and I wanted to run off stage, never to set foot on a stage again. I got through it, but this scared me even more for the upcoming play... I had far more lines in 84 and we had to remember movement as well as lines... I was so scared of being so rubbish and disappointing my fellow thespians.
Anyhoo, got through that one as well. And I can now say I have been in a play :) As for whether I'll do it again... I might stick to photographing them instead of being in them...

On to photos... I had to go to Germany for work a few weeks ago. As I was already there, I decided to take a few extra days and go and explore Berlin to take photos and see the history. Berlin is an awesome place.  I don't think I have ever walked so much. I tried to fit as many sights as I could into 2 days. Managed a fair few! :)

I am currently in Prague, where I've just been on a week long photography workshop which started off in Vienna. It is the best thing I have ever done. It was also taken by my favourite photographer, Joe McNally. His work astounds me. I first heard of him when I first got into photography about 5 years ago, when I took a few photos here and there. I remember looking at his workshops back then, wishing I could afford to go one in the States... The time finally came... more on that in my next blog.

Right now, I am absolutely shattered.. time to go to sleep so I can get on a plane tomorrow and get home, learn how to chill out for 5 minutes and then get back on it again!