From F1 to TV at 36

I worked at McLaren from 2007 until 2017 (working at Flight Centre for 2 years in between). I was always one who never knew what I wanted to do. I ended up in IT because I wanted to do something with design... but I never knew how or what, so settled on that as I felt I had to go to University. At school, I was told to do something with languages, just because I spoke Japanese. I did a degree in Information Systems & Design. I hated it. I pretended to be a geek for about 15 years...

In 2016, Philip.K.Dick's Electric Dreams was filmed at McLaren and I along with other employees took part as an "Extra". During the tedious amount of standing around, I watched the 1st Assistant Director, not knowing what his role was at the time, but he had the loudest voice and seemed to be controlling everything that was going on.
I researched this role when I got home, out of interest as I had no idea what the hundreds of people on a filmset do. Then I discovered a course aiming to be an Assistant Director being offered at the National Film & Television School.
For years, I'd told myself I was going to quit my job and be a photographer. I didn't. Because I was too scared of uncertainty and having no money. I looked at Psychology. Told myself I was going to do courses and help other people. I didn't.
I applied to the NFTS as soon as I saw the course. Half heartedly, because I knew I wouldn't get in to one of the best film schools in the UK, I was old and I didn't have the money anyway.
Then, I decided to think about it, only a little bit. I went to the interview, still not knowing what I was really doing. I was a successful Project Manager. I liked my job. It was interesting and I enjoyed managing the varied projects I had to work with and seeing them succeed and make a difference.

In July 2017, I got an email, offering me at place on the NFTS Assistant Directing and Floor Managing Course starting in September. I was sat at my desk at McLaren and had no idea what I was going to do about this e-mail.

An hour later, I asked my boss for a chat and handed in my 3 months notice. He was not amused. (I don't know if he remembers, that the previous year he had said to me; "Steph, you need to go and work in film or something and be creative"... I laughed this off not knowing the reality of it was to come.
I'd think about how I'd pay for the course, how I was going to go to school for a year and not be able to work. how I was going to pay bills, how I was going to live, later.
I decided that I want to continue living life without regrets. I knew that if I didn't try this, in a few years time, I would wish that I had. I have lived this way for the past 10 years. The biggest thing for me is not to regret something. I have no regrets. At all.
20 years earlier, I turned down a job which would have led me into the TV industry. But I don't regret it. Because my experiences from that point until now had led me to learn a lot and be who I am today. And prepared me for my new chosen career, which isn't too different to the one that I had, ultimately.
When I was about 14, I was determined to work in TV and Film. But I had no idea how. I tried by doing work experience at Nickelodeon and various other places but without the internet, I could only rely on my letter writing and any family contacts - of which there were none. I kinda gave up at that point...

I can't say it wasn't scary. Walking into school at aged 36. Having to meet new classmates, having no idea about the film industry, having no idea really of what I was actually doing... because I didn't think about it. I just did it.

It turned out to be an awesome experience. I learnt a lot, made new friends, made lots of films and enjoyed every minute of it. I also realised how I seem to want to put myself in situations where I am constantly busy, brain working at a hundred miles an hour, managing multiple situations and people. I guess that's how I work best. In work and in life.

The scariest part was finishing school. What now? How do I get a job?
July 2018, whilst working on our graduation film.... I got a call from a lovely 2nd Assistant Director out of the blue, asking if I was interested in working on a Japanese/English TV show. HELL YES! They'd found my blank film CV on Google and couldn't find many Japanese/English speaking runners. And since then, I've found constant work through contacts (initially made at the NFTS) and have luckily worked on some great shows with amazing cast and crews.

My life now is very different to how it was. I had to start right at the bottom again.
I earn a LOT less than I did, my work is always uncertain and I feel like my every day skills are used to shout "Quiet Please. Rolling" and making tea and coffee. I don't even do that. The machine does it. I got quite good at predicting what drink Helena Bonham Carter would want next though...

BUT, eventually, I hope to work my way up and start using my brain a bit more and continue on the path to becoming a 1st AD.  This is going to take a while...
I've met so many talented and lovely people along the way and I don't regret any of it. I believe you should always follow your dreams. Happiness comes before anything. You only live once. It's taken me a very long time to work out what happiness is. A VERY long time And I still am not 100% sure of what it is, but I'm working on it. :)

Some fun facts from the last couple of years of tea making:

Zach Woods bought me a Melodica because I was too scared to play the piano
Hugh Laurie inspired me to play the piano again
Josh Gad and Jessica St Clair called me a hot Jedi
Aoi Okuyama is an awesome little sister
Andy Buckley is the friendliest/craziest/kindest man I've ever met
Helena BC and I share a love for tiny things and doors
Olivia Colman sent me to choose and buy a chandelier which is now hanging up in her house. 

By the way, the Japanese show I worked on is called Giri/Haji. It's on Netflix. Check it out, its awesome. I made coffee for all of them. :)

P.S: I'm not a director. I don't want to be a director. I will never be a director.  A 1st AD works alongside the Director and the Director of Photography (DoP) to create the filming schedule, and make sure it all goes to plan. I've made it sound easy... but I reckon it's probably one of the hardest jobs on a filmset. 

                                                                                     ADFM Class of 2018 NFTS - Graduation

I like dogs. This was an actresses BIG dog, on my desk

Clipped Clippings, Kindling Kindle... Don't go there

I bought a Kindle a couple of weeks ago. I have become a book reading fiend.
As an only child, I used to sit for hours reading and reading and reading... My room was piled high with books and I loved having a collection that I could read over and over again.
I stopped reading once I started racing. I don't know why. I didn't have the patience to sit and not think. My mind was constantly racing just like my job was.
Now that we have no choice but to be with ourselves, my Kindle is the best thing I've discovered. I've started reading again and finding out that my mind can race within a book again.
In particular, 2 books by author Adam Fletcher. "Don't Go There' and 'Don't Come Back'. These books have resonated with me massively, more than any other book has before. My thoughts about myself and travel have become almost obsessional over the past week.
It was due to these books that I found my blog again. I wished I had written all my thoughts and experiences down too.... and then realised today, that I had. I actually can't believe that I forgot.
Anyone who knows me well, will know that I have an interest in unusual things. Taking photographs of strangers possessions abandoned years ago, finding wartime buildings with memories left inside, having the desire to visit countries other people may choose not to acknowledge. (My ticket to Krakow got cancelled last month... but I'll be visiting Auschwitz as soon as I am allowed).
I've visited Cambodia, Berlin, Belgium, France, Wales.... and when asked what I did there, I haven't been able to name any tourist attractions... because I'm too busy in the middle of nowhere looking for the lost and forgotten. Except for Spaghetti Ice Cream in Germany of course....

I'm still in the process of working out why I like these places. Is it because I am lost? Why am I so intrigued to find out more about unusual events in history? What is this morbid fascination? Why do I photograph broken things?

Anyway, I found some interesting quotes I resonated with along my Kindling journey and thought I'd post them here:

"It’s easy to believe you made all the important decisions in your existence—where you live, whom you date, the job you do, your friends. Yet under closer scrutiny, isn’t it obvious only the small decisions, the A or B choices, are yours? The big things—class, personality, intelligence, appearance—the things that decide how good options A and B will be, they’re cards dealt at birth in a game you must play."
Don''t Come Back - Adam Fletcher

"Interculturality and travel are the best chances to stop that process; to challenge ourselves and our prejudices; to remain open, young, and relevant. To not think that our way is the right way, the normal way, the default way, and that everyone else—in funny, foreign places—is wrong and weird. If we do that, stay that open and flexible, we’ll never forget . . .” I paused, even though half the room could have finished the sentence for me. “How to fly.”"

Don''t Come Back - Adam Fletcher

"I reminded myself that this was the destination. The cave wouldn’t matter, would fade from my memory an hour after we’d left it. It was only the people, the stories, the journey, the uncertainty, and the potential of the next moment that counted. The destination was just the place you went last."
Don''t Come Back - Adam Fletcher

"I thought about how weird a human quirk it is that we consider whatever is exotic or mostly unachievable beautiful. So while we Europeans are heading out to the tanning salon to get darker skin and sweating our way round laps of the park to lose weight, there are Asian people covering their faces to keep their complexions white while the citizens of Ghana double down on fried chicken to try to stay un-trim. We just love to make it hard for ourselves. We are, in many ways, quite ridiculous..."
Don't Go There - Adam Fletcher

"That was what travel was for. The unfamiliarity of being where you don’t belong frees you from any expectations about how things there are supposed to work, and, in turn, how you will react to them."
Don't Go There - Adam Fletcher

"But life doesn’t wait till we are ready. More often than not, it throws us into the deep end and asks us to swim."
The Child of Auschwitz - Lily Graham

"But I have seen what people can do – what they can conquer, what they can survive – if they only will it so."

The Child of Auschwitz - Lily Graham

2020.....

OMG It's 2020.....

I started this blog in 2012.... and then forgot about it. 8 years has passed....
I remembered it because I've been reading a couple of books which brought up memories of things that I did, feelings that I had/have and wished I'd written them down... and today I realised that I did! This may be one of the best things I have ever discovered.

A lot has changed since 2012.

I no longer work in F1. I went back to school (National Film & Television School) in 2017 and decided I wanted to be an Assistant Director. More on this another time.

I now work on TV shows and films, although right now, I sit at home, eating, watching Netflix and reading books, because we are in lockdown due to a virus. For the past 9 weeks.

I need to get back into this.... It's been amazing to read what I wrote in the past.... what a weirdo I was then and still am.

...Looking at the settings of this blog... I found about 8 posts I had not published... between 2013 - 2017... I've published them now although I haven't read through them yet. Maybe that wasn't a good idea... oh well :) 

Inspiration

I arrived in St Lucia, feeling stressed and looking forward to a break of some sort. Hoping that at some point my head would stop thinking and my body would feel relaxed.. I stepped off the plane wearing a hoody and walked into a wall of heat. I couldn't take my jumper off as I had a bag in each hand so struggled through until I got into the car, overheating like a boil in the bag rice in a microwave. I arrived at Anse Chastanet reception within an hour and was given a delicious pink drink with sugar cane sticking out of it (called a Bentley) and was seated. I looked out and the view was breathtaking. Within 5 minutes I'd found that relaxed feeling and my stress had gone. I was shocked at these feelings as I've never had them before. Having struggled through the last few years with constant pressure, constant anxiety and self doubt, it was like a weight was suddenly lifted. I told the girl who was checking me in, how beautiful this place was and she replied "haha you haven't seen anything yet!" She wasn't wrong!

I was shown to my room, which had a half outside living area, with a view of the Pitons to my left and the sea to my right. Through a door was my bedroom with a huge bed and colourful surroundings. After taking in the fantastic views, I was down at the beach on a sunbed within the hour. After climbing down the many steps to the beach. That in itself was a workout every day. Anse Chastanet is on a mountain, therefore it's a steep climb to wherever you want to get to. Thankfully my room was only about 100 steps away from reception.... Another 100 to the beach.... Other rooms were at least double that... They must have known I'm unfit and don't like stairs :)

(Forgot to mention... as I sat in reception waiting to be checked in, alone.... I was asked, so are you here for your honeymoon?.... erm yes, as I sit here alone, jilted?.... I should have said yes. Maybe I would have got upgraded out of pity)

I had two days until the photography workshop started, so made the most of the time by going to a yoga class, diving and a sunset cruise around the Pitons with another member of my group who I'd met in Vienna. We also went snorkelling in which I was a poor snorkel partner... I swear a school of yellow fish were following me... I was taking underwater pics of them and they'd swim toward the camera not away! Posers! I had yellow fins on, so I think they thought I was one of them and decided to swim with me. I tried hard to pretend they weren't there, until I looked left and saw a long skinny fish, about a foot long with a bit pointy sharp nose. That was enough for me. I swam as fast as I could back to my sunbed leaving my buddy in the sea probably wondering where I'd gone... I must be the only person to be scared and swim away from fish while snorkelling. Loser!!!

On Sunday night I went to the Tree house restaurant to meet up with the rest of the photography group. We had welcome drinks and dinner all together. It was great to see Joe and his gang again, and to meet everyone. I'm not great at meeting new people. It scares me. Part of the reason why I take these courses is to push myself to be outside of my comfort zone. I'm one to stay quiet and observe until people get to know me well. Unless I click with someone instantly, that happens from time to time. 

The workshop consisted of classroom talks by Joe (McNally) and RC Concepcion (HDR/Adobe guru) in the mornings. We would go out in the afternoons, playing with lighting setups, capturing natural light and learning how Joe sees a picture. We had models to photograph and even went to the fire station in Soufriere to photograph the firemen. I took 3 photographs on the Tuesday which have been the best photos I've ever taken. And for me that's saying a lot, as usually I criticise my work so much and never like how my pictures turn out. The fire station for me was another story. My snorkel buddy and I were teamed up and scouted the station for a location with a story. We found a room upstairs that the guys use to rest in. It had a bed, clothes hanging up, boxes and old newspapers and books in the corner. A pretty dark room with a couple of windows for natural light. We may as well have found a sauna, sat in it for an hour before taking photos, then proceed to lose energy and any inspiration while continuing to sweat. I saw the picture I wanted, same goes for my partner...but the moment we set up our lighting, all rational seemed to have left via the sauna window. We called for help from Cali, one of Joes assistants, and he talked us through some ideas and left us to get our shot. No shot in sight. I'd lost the ability to see my picture anymore. We were happy when Joe came to find us and left us with a few more ideas and critique on what we were doing. What we were doing is making a big deal and getting no photo... RC then tried to help... Again, we tried his ideas and still no shot... We both eventually gave up, getting the best shot we could at that point and joining the others looking like we'd just stepped out of a swimming pool. We then got some inspiration and placed our next fireman on top of his truck, used big lighting on him and lit up a fire truck and glowed it's insides green. Finally, some creativity! 

That day, my thinking came back. I don't like failure. And I felt like I'd failed. I unrealistically compare myself to people like Joe who has been a master of his art for the best part of 40 years. And my impatience expects myself to be able to do what he does in 5 years on and off. The next couple of days, I felt pretty low. Wishing I could be who and what I want to be and frustrated that I wasn't. 

The day before I was on a huge high from getting photographs that little bit closer to where I'd wanted to be. To finally capture a shot and think "yeahhhh that's exactly what I was trying to do", and for the first time felt like I'd achieved something with my photographs. Even though, I got those shots with Joe as my lighting assistant, so of course they were going to be lit well! 

The rest of the week got better again. Watching how Joe works and seeing him see the frame, set it up and capture it within minutes, and have an awesome photograph was both frustrating and fascinating. Frustrating because I wish I could do that. 

Now, Joe McNally.

In my opinion, he is the best photographer I know of. I have followed him through my whole photography life. That whole 5 years! The first time I saw his shots online, I was amazed and inspired. 

To have now done 2 of his courses and to be able to watch how he works and learn from him is one of  the best experiences I've ever had. Not only is he an amazing photographer he is also the most genuine, humble and funniest man that I know. I could sit and listen to his stories for hours. 

If you look at his website, you will see all the famous people he has photographed. The enormity of the shoots he has done. Wouldn't you expect an egocentric asshole, protecting his photography secrets and not really giving a shit? He is the opposite. He answers everything genuinely, helps you as much as he can and takes the time to make sure you get it and openly speaks about everything. The first day I walked into his workshop in Vienna, within 5 minutes, he knew everyone's name and remembered them. That alone impressed me! I've been to photography classes with unknown photographers who are exactly what I described above. I don't think they even asked my name. Just as long as I knew theirs... I wont be doing any more courses with randoms.

There's a couple of specific occasions this week that I have been truly inspired, honoured and grateful for. I won't go into detail, but Joe, if you read this, a few words; 'Pizza night, D4 breakfast and the words "Steph, You had a good day"' Honoured.Grateful.Ecstatic. 

The course ended with a night shooting models on the beach with flambeaus around us. An awesome end to an amazing week. 

I had two days left to chill before flying home, so spent those relaxing on the beach, another yoga class and more snorkelling. This time I managed not to swim away. 

I met some other inspiring people. A beautiful couple who proved that love exists. Beautiful both inside and out. And I hope we will stay in touch and shoot together again. Another two who made my stomach muscles hurt from laughing, both so talented and beautiful souls. One of whom, I had a very thought provoking chat with before we left, and was surprised how similar we were. 

I'm now on the plane home and it's the first time ever that I don't mind how long the flight is. I used my points from travelling days to book a business flight....so flying with some space. This is awesome!!!! 

This week has been one of the best experiences I've ever had and has been an inspirational and thoughtful holiday. 

Soul searching with the angriest man in Brooklyn

I'm sat on a 8 hour plane journey pondering what life currently holds. I'm going to St Lucia! Never have I felt that I needed a holiday as much as this. To sit and do nothing for a while and turn off.

I changed job a few months ago. I'm now a project manager. And I feel like I haven't stopped thinking. And I've gained 3 more grey hairs.... I went to Japan for work for 2 weeks, Germany more times than I can count right now and lost a friend, who was taken too early. 

Although this is a holiday...it's also to attend another photography workshop with Joe McNally. This time more advanced to learn about lighting and using it! Can't wait to learn more from who I think is the most awesome photographer around, but to see the beach. A proper beach with Caribbean sun and idealistic surroundings...Not Bournemouth, which is the last beach I went to! 

Anyway so I look through the films on the plane and sit reading each review before take off.... It passed the time! And I noticed Robin Williams name on a film I hadn't heard of. Then realised actually I had... It's the last film he made. The angriest man in Brooklyn, about an unhappy man who finds out he has 90 minutes to live. I haven't been able to watch any Robin Williams film recently because it makes me sad. I'm angry that such a respected man went through such a rough time. I can feel his pain. And I wish he had just stopped and realised what he was doing and what effect he would have on so many people, with the positive influence he spread which he couldn't find within himself. 

This film made me think.... Yes, even more than normal! But more about him than anything. He was pretty tough to be able to act that film, when inside he was torn apart. If only he could have seen the outcome. One of his lines from the film was "If I die this year, my headstone will say 19XX - 2014. The dash in the middle of that is the most important thing". So true Robin... 

It's a good film though, for people who think too much like I do. I also found out who Mila Kunis was. Intriguingly beautiful girl that!

So... I intend to get to St lucia in a few hours and sit on the beach and do absolutely nothing. I have 2.5 days to myself before the workshop starts so I think I need to do a bit of soul searching in that time! Step back and realise what's important and what isn't and prevent anymore grey hairs :) 

5 years of Photography

Have you ever been so in awe of someones work that it affects you emotionally?

I heard a quote last week which was:

"When you see someones photograph and it inspires you and affects you emotionally, you change..."

These words resonated with me massively. They were said in a classroom by Joe McNally, a photographer that astounds me. I had no experience of that feeling until I attended a weeks workshop with this photographer in Vienna/Prague.
5 years ago, a link was sent to me showing me this photographers website. I was instantly inspired and wanted to get out take photographs with my old 2nd hand Nikon D70. I looked up his workshops which were based in NYC but the 28 year old me couldn't justify the cost, and I've never been good at saving money so it would take me ages to save up and get out there... Instead I would have to take courses in the UK held by unknown photographers and learn by myself... So i spent the next 5 years with a camera in my hand. Taking pictures of friends, friends kids', parties, events, objects in my room, anything I could.
Constantly frustrated that I can see amazing photographs in my mind, but when it comes to transferring that through my camera, it never turns out the way I want it to.

One night, after photographing a friends hen do, my little old D70 got knocked to the floor, smashing the LCD and causing a CF error... Nikon quoted about £300 to fix it... That's more than the camera itself... Luckily my friend happened to be selling his D300 so I snapped that up so that I could continue taking photos.
A few years ago, I changed job which meant I was now travelling the world with work. I say travelling, but it was more work than travel. I didn't get to see much of the countries, of which I would have liked. Other cultures, dress, language, people, fascinate me. But unfortunately, all I saw was my aeroplane seat, a hotel room and a garage with a bunch of mechanics. It didn't matter what country we were in, the set up was the same each time. We could have been in the most amazing place, but my view was still of cars, white garage walls and not often enough, the backs of my eyelids.
This put a hasty stop on my photography. I bought a Nikon J1 for portability and so that I could occasionally take some snaps of a cool restaurant, food, my hotel room or a Chinese backdoor market or  cowboy boot store that I may have been visiting that week.

In the middle of 2013, my job changed again where I could be in one place and have time to do my own thing again. The D300 came out of the dust and the J1 is now in its place.
I've spent the last year trying to get back into taking photographs, trying to decide how I can turn my job into something I would love to wake up and do each day, to live out my passions rather than have to wait for weekends to shoot in my garden, the park or 1000miles around France looking for interesting places.

I got into derelict photography. Finding derelict buildings, which look like someone has walked out of their house some day in 1950 to go to work, never to return. This amazes me. How a house or a building can be left with all its contents for so long. It's great for me, I find it fascinating. But I wander around these places imagining what it must have been like, dreaming up scenes and images of how I imagined it looked like.  As always, never being able to capture the shot that I can see in my head.

At the beginning of the year my friend asked if I wanted to go to the Photography Show at Birmingham NEC. Yes! Sounded cool. So we bought tickets. Looking into the line up, I saw a name I recognised. A talk with Joe McNally. "Hey, thats the amazing photographer I'd heard of 5 years ago". I had to go.
This is the day that all hell broke loose in my head.

Listening to Joe speak about his photographs was not only inspiring but I was amazed at how what this guy was doing, is exactly what I wanted to be doing. I don't want to set up a website with my photos from parties and weddings and promote myself as a Pro photographer. I want to do something different. People have often said "so, what photography do you want to go into?" and I haven't been able to answer, except to say; "Well, I haven't got an answer. I like to turn boring things into something interesting. I guess thats not a market..."And Joe answered this for me. He is a generalist. He takes on anything without a question. Just goes and does it. Gets given an assignment and shoots the most creative and inspirational photos from something that could otherwise be seen as normal.

After the workshop, I sat looking at his website again and noticed that "Workshops" section again. Hesitantly I clicked it, hoping there'd be a workshop I could attend. Maybe a one day course in lighting or something in London? I might be able to scrape my pennies together and go on that? Damn, there was one of these, but it had completed last week. I'd missed it. No more UK workshops on the schedule. Then I noticed Vienna and Prague... Well, that isn't too far away.... I e-mailed the organiser, Liza, who was a lovely friendly animated character by e-mail. She replied saying that she had had 1 person drop out, so they luckily had 1 space free... Uh oh... What to do now...
The price of the course was a lot higher than what I am used to paying for, but this was Joe McNally. I wasn't paying some random so-called pro photographer to show me how to take photographs, that sometimes I'd thought I could take better myself...
After a day of thinking and trying to talk myself out of it because I couldn't afford it, and somehow I had mailed back and said "How do I sign up?", paid the money and booked the flights.

And the next thing I knew I was on a plane to Vienna...

Where is time going?

It's April... 2014... I have no idea where the last 4 months has gone... I have been keeping myself so busy, I haven't noticed life whizzing past me at the speed of light.
I don't think I have recovered from the pressure you are under when racing. I don't know how to relax. To just stop still and do nothing. I get antsy and get up and do something, even though I feel like I don't have the energy to. I need to learn how to stop still...

A lot has been going on. Since December, I have been in a play at the local theatre. First time i've been on a stage and had to say lines. In fact, i've been in two. One was a radio recording called Downcast Abbey, which we recorded on stage in front of an audience. The 2nd was a play called 84 Charing Cross Road, based on a book by Helene Hanff.

I guess I like to be challenged. I do stupid things that scare me. We spent a few months rehearsing for 84, and rehearsals were fine. Although i had a tough job learning lines. In the midst of that we had 1 rehearsal for Downcast Abbey. I was totally fine with it... until 30 seconds before the curtains opened, when my legs went to jelly and I wanted to run off stage, never to set foot on a stage again. I got through it, but this scared me even more for the upcoming play... I had far more lines in 84 and we had to remember movement as well as lines... I was so scared of being so rubbish and disappointing my fellow thespians.
Anyhoo, got through that one as well. And I can now say I have been in a play :) As for whether I'll do it again... I might stick to photographing them instead of being in them...

On to photos... I had to go to Germany for work a few weeks ago. As I was already there, I decided to take a few extra days and go and explore Berlin to take photos and see the history. Berlin is an awesome place.  I don't think I have ever walked so much. I tried to fit as many sights as I could into 2 days. Managed a fair few! :)

I am currently in Prague, where I've just been on a week long photography workshop which started off in Vienna. It is the best thing I have ever done. It was also taken by my favourite photographer, Joe McNally. His work astounds me. I first heard of him when I first got into photography about 5 years ago, when I took a few photos here and there. I remember looking at his workshops back then, wishing I could afford to go one in the States... The time finally came... more on that in my next blog.

Right now, I am absolutely shattered.. time to go to sleep so I can get on a plane tomorrow and get home, learn how to chill out for 5 minutes and then get back on it again!

Crisis over!

I have completed my shifts at Crisis for this year. I only did 3 but it was a great insight into another world. I intend to do it again next year.

I met some lovely people...I didn't expect to feel quite so sad to leave these guys, knowing I have a home to go to and they don't.

We did some more karaoke yesterday. We had a young volunteer with an amazing voice who started it up and a few of the guests came to join in. Even if they didn't know the song their improvisation skills were awesome! 

I wrote out some certificates for everyone who participated over the days I was there and I did not expect the response I got. I was expecting people to say "what's this? I don't want this rubbish"... But instead they treated their certificates like I'd given them gold. I did also give them gold coins, but they were unfortunately only chocolate! They were so proud to receive them. A few of them said they'd never received anything like it before and they were so happy. Another went round telling the others to get a plastic folder to put them in so they could keep it forever and show all their friends. I'm touched that a piece of paper could put such big smiles on their faces. I wrote them all personal messages on their certificates so I hope they take notice of what I said and realise they are amazing and can achieve anything they want. If they want to....

I was amazed to see how well our debate class, creative writing and drama lesson went. There's so much talent amongst these people. They just need to build some confidence to show it. One of the girls gave out a notebook as a prize for creative writing. The receiver treasured it and showed us the next day how proud he was of his new book and had already written poems into it. He says he is going to write his life story and experiences in it. I'd love to read that. 

I spoke to a lovely bubbly girl who was brought up just near me. She refused to ask for help. She thinks the government won't help her and she shouldn't get benefits. She sees the people around her on drugs and thinks they get all the help and is too scared to be housed as in the past it's only brought bad experiencesand she doesn't want to be led on the wrong path. She was so paranoid about everything. I guess living with a constant eye open makes you like that. Considering she said all this, you'd have never have guessed. She was a beautiful bubbly girl who I bet could achieve so much. 

I felt angry that she was such a lovely girl but wasn't getting any help, so I persuaded her to come with me to the advice office and get some help. Even if it was only for a little while, so she could fulfill her dream of getting a boat with her boyfriend. I hope they helped her somehow...and I hope this time next year the two of them are living happily on the river :) 

Some stories shocked me. I see so many people on benefits, with kids, buying xboxes, crack, wasting money, yet most of the people I spoke to who actually want to try, get nothing. I wish I understood how our government works. 

Saying goodbye was pretty hard. My usual act would be to avoid it and slip away silently. But this time I found each and every guest I'd talked to a lot and said goodbye and wished them well. It was so hard knowing they were all going to have to leave the next day and have nowhere to go... 

One told me it wasn't goodbye because he knew he was going to see me again someday. He was my karaoke king and resident DJ. He was awesome. 

I hope I do see them again... But I hope it's because we will be working together at Crisis next year. 

My mindset has changed. 

Who cares if I'm not perfect...I try... Although it's never good enough, maybe it is... 

I feel more confident. Why shouldn't I strike up conversation with random people and be myself. What is it about myself that I have to hide away... I'm me... I need to start realising who I am...

I'm sitting in Starbucks at Waterloo, writing this.... And I noticed a little girl watching me for a long time so I said hi. 5 mins later I had 2 little girls crowding me, asking me what I'm doing, where I'm going... 

I think their father was quite embarrassed.

I've never had that before. 

Told me her favourite Xmas present was toothpaste.... Random

Chris, David, Melvin, Nuala, Jay, Jess, Rob, Taylor, Isa and many others....I hope someday you read this or I see you again so that I can tell you all that you also helped me... Xx 

What a crisis!

It's Christmas... A time for giving and eating... In my eyes. I've eaten too much over the last year so I decided not to sit on my ass and stuff my face but to go and do something useful. 

So at 6:30am on Xmas morning I got in my car and drove to London Bridge to start my day as Entertainment Organiser for Crisis at Christmas. A centre for the homeless which opens all over London over the Xmas period. My friend told me about it a few years ago and I've wanted to take part for a while... I just never gave up my stuffing, sausage meat and gravy...until now.

So I arrived at the centre, completely out of my comfort zone, worried about what I'd volunteered to do. I'm not exactly the most confident of people...so facing a load of new people and having to entertain people who don't have homes to go to... How do I do that?!!! With my scintillating conversation and outgoing bubbly personality...ermmm I think not. 

One of the reasons I wanted to do this is because of the above. Challenging myself to do something I'm not comfortable with is only going to help me.... So being forced to randomly talk to people I'd never thought to talk to before, striking up conversations with people from all walks of life was challenging but a great eye opener. 

So....my first hour consisted of being daunted. If that's not a real word, it is now. Taking in what was going on around me.... People hanging around, watching TV, sitting, pondering, staring, talking.... I stood on the sideline for a bit and watched. My thoughts were "how am I going to entertain these people".... I had no idea what so ever. But hang on, before that, I'm going to have to engage with them to get them to come with me to be entertained... That means going over and speaking...about what... Totally out of my comfort zone .... Totally. 

Thankfully there was another volunteer who knew what she was doing. She told me how things work there and I realised I've got to stop sitting on the sideline and do something... So I started making posters to show what activities we had planned for the day. A volunteer singer/guitarist, Bingo, Jewellery making and Karaoke. Sitting making the posters a few passers by stopped to see what we were doing. "Are you creative? Come and help me!" I said, and from then on my comfort zone barrier slipped away as guests helped to make posters and chatted. These people may be homeless but why am I so intimidated. They are a human being just like me. No different. I realised, although I don't judge, I was intimidated by people, stereotyping homeless, to what I've experienced before. Usually drunk people hanging around in groups, sometimes shouting out. But so what. Everyone has a right to express their opinion. It may not be right but who cares. As long as you're not hurting someone. You know what, today on my 2nd shift. I was one of the group. I sat outside in a circle with 5 homeless guests, chatting...and realised, I'm sitting in a group that I was once intimidated by. I imagined seeing myself if I walked past, in that situation. I never thought I would see that. My stereotype or rather my intimidation was wrong. I sat with 5 others today, having a laugh, finding out about the past and present, arranging to do karaoke together...just like anyone else would. What a strange situation to find myself in. I got nicknamed "eyes" because I have 'Chinese' eyes and got hugged for chatting and having normal conversation. 

I can't really describe my thoughts right now as it's still processing. Once I've finished my shifts I'll try to put my thoughts into words...

The rest of the days went on with organising activities/entertainment for the guests. In the food area, we started karaoke. The guests watched us dubiously at first. And there's me, who won't sing in front of anyone, draw attention to myself at any cost...singing and dancing to try to get the guys up with us. 

A few of the guys edged toward us, sitting in front of us singing quietly under their breaths. So I handed them the mic... "Nooooo" they protested. Clutching the mics, 10 mins later their lovely voices got louder. 20 mins later they were standing up. 30 mins later we had 4 guests singing and dancing. It was so lovely to see smiles on their faces, enjoying themselves. I stepped away at one point and watched from afar. My thoughts were lost with emotion. I wish I could do something to give these guys better lives. To have a home to go to and make something of their lives. Which I, and they, know they can. 

I made my karaoke star an origami balloon today with "X the Karaoke king" written on it. I was happy to see he sat with it in front of him for most of the day :) Tomorrow I'm going to find him for a duet of Angels.

I'm tired now... I have one more shift tomorrow and although at times I've been dubious about going to Crisis, I'll miss seeing some of the great people I've met. I'd love to know how they all get on and hope Crisis helped them to see that they are amazing people just like everyone else and they CAN do anything they want....

I'll write more when my last shifts done... Hopefully before my next shift next Xmas :) 

Fulfilling a light dream

I've been trawling the internet for weeks looking for where to go on holiday next. A hot country? An interesting city? Visit Santa? And I finally decided to check off one on my travel list and decided on Iceland. I searched Reyjavik high and low for a good deal in which I wouldn't end up in a cheap b&b (when I say cheap, I guess I mean tacky...as nothing's cheap in Iceland) with a nightclub in the basement and tourists flooding the place. 

I kept searching and kept losing patience at how many options there were. I decided to ring the company who sorted out my Burma flights who have the most exceptional service I've ever experienced from a travel company. It's Dial-A-Flight, by the way. 

They suggested a holiday to a place in the middle of nowhere in South Iceland. Specifically for Northern lights, which is why I want to go Iceland. 

The hotel has outdoor hot tubs and surrounded by lakes, mountains and glaciers. It looks amazing. Although the price deterred me a bit...you only live once! 

I just hope I actually manage to capture some northern lights. Watching them from a hot tub sounds pretty amazing to me! And hopefully I can make some snow angels and snowmen too :) 

It's been weird not travelling this year. I can't say I miss it.... But I do miss visiting random places I've never been to before. Working in an office environment, although not quite the normal office, is quite a change. I have to sit still for long periods of time! Not easy for someone like me... I've been used to bounding around the world, constantly being busy and physically active. 

Now I eat cake and play with servers. 

Anyway I am too excited about going away again in December. I can't wait. It always excites me to go to a new place and I usually look for the unusual. I am still searching the net for random things that can be done while in Iceland. I have 5 days to fit as much chilling, light searching and snow playing in :) 

Bring on December! 

An inspirational star

A few weeks ago I got an email from my local cinema - one that has sofas and wine coolers and you can order food to your sofa. It's amazing! Recommend it if you have one near you - Everyman cinemas. Anyway before I go off on a tangent.... The email was an advert for a preview for a new film called Hawking. I had no idea what it was and saw that the evening also included a Q&A with a Professor Hawking. Professor Stephen Hawking. 

At school, science for me consisted of going to classes and playing with bunsen burners and chemicals and generally not paying much attention. I'm not a sciency maths person... I'm an English, art, PE person. Anyway, when I saw this I had to go. The story of a man who talks through a computer. That's pretty much all I knew about him. 

The film started and we were shown the life of Professor Hawking. Afterwards a satellite Q&A hosted by that annoying dude who hosts edgy documentaries and used to do the news. 

He annoyed me as when Mary Hawking was up to talk, he'd ask her questions and without giving her time to answer would interrupt and carry on talking. We're not here to listen to you host man...

Then the ultimate fail... Stephen Hawkings turn to be on stage came and it was like they didn't know he was coming. He was sat about 2 feet left from the host the entire time, but he was asked to go around the stage to the other side and they struggled for about 10 minutes trying to squeeze Stephen along the front and onto the stage. At which point I tweeted the host saying "can you not just turn your chair around and go to Stephen?!!" He sat and watched all this going on like a helpless character. It was an embarrassing scene. 

Anyway, my thoughts have been immersed by what I saw last night. I am totally amazed at the strength and character of this 71 year old man, who was told he had 2 years to live at the age of 20. 

He is a true inspiration. His voice is heard by him moving a muscle in his cheek to select letters and words on the screen which is then read out by the computer. He does this at a rate of 1 word every 3 seconds. Can you imagine having to do that? It takes me 3 seconds to think of a word sometimes! 

He has achieved so much in his life so far, despite having an awful illness. If I were in his shoes, I feel I would have given up. Having this enormous brain trapped in a slowly deteriorating body to the point now where only a few muscles remain working. 

It makes me ashamed of how i have acted sometimes. I have been in a place before where I didn't know how to carry on with life anymore. Compared to this amazing man, I'm ashamed to have even had those thoughts. He has inspired me to find determination and overcome anything. 

Not only is Professor Hawking an intelligent man who discovered the black hole theory and lots of other universy things that are way beyond my brain capacity, his humour and wittiness shows through and his personality can be seen through his eyes and expression. It saddens me that such a man has had to suffer this disability, but his attitude is inspiring.

I hope he lives a long time and continues to inspire other people and I hope things can be developed in order to make his life easier. I also hope he fulfils his dream of getting to space. 

"We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet"

Stephen Hawking

A day off to sort my life out

I am a hoarder.... And it is now time to get rid of the rubbish I've kept over the years, thinking that I can't throw them away or I'll use them again someday. Who am I kidding...no I won't. How old am I? 13? Keeping hold of my Japanese eraser collection, the hundreds of cheap make up, plastic jewellery, books....they all now need to go.
Have you ever had a massive clear out? Do you know the feeling of when you start clearing and sorting through things and suddenly your room looks like a bombs hit it... You can't walk on the floor, your bed is covered in a mountain so high of clothes that you could ski down it.... And then you hit a point where you don't know what to do with it all and the thought of sorting through it is unbearable so you sit there and procrastinate... That's what I'm doing now.... Playing pointless games on my ipad, thinking of where I can go and take some photos....eating, for the sake of eating to pass time... Texting my friends to tell them what I'm doing... Hmmm what else can I do to buy a few more minutes :)

But once I've got over my procrastinating and get back on it...hopefully my room will be clean and won't be filled with clutter! Another step toward making my life clutter free. In my room and my mind!

I bought some new lenses for my camera this week. I haven't picked up my camera and taken any creative photos for what feels like a few years. That's my next mission. To pick that up again. I can't wait to go out and see what these lenses can do! Going to get on the urban exploring path again and find weird and wonderful places to explore!

On another note, I started helping at the local theatre again. We're rehearsing a play called Violette which was written by the director. It's a very emotional play about a girl during WW2. I'm prompting and photographing :) I was away working for the auditions, but maybe next time I'll find some confidence to actually audition again! Can't wait to see the play come together, and I hope I can capture the emotion in photographs for memories for the cast and to promote the show.

I suppose I'd better get back to de-cluttering..... That's enough procrastinating... For now :)

Serious subject no.1: Bullying

Bullying can be defined to so many different opinions. One may think bullying is funny and just a joke, one may think others deserve it, one may intentionally try to hurt another....
It's not funny.

I've watched so many YouTube videos lately on various subjects. When you watch a video, related videos pop up and you end up watching random videos on random subjects... Now bullying is one that I found disturbing.
There seems to be so many people that feel bullied which lead them to have suicidal thoughts, lack self esteem and self confidence. And I bet the people don't realise that this is how they're words and actions make other people feel. We are all the same human beings. Why should one person think they are more intelligent than another, more good looking than another, think that in any way they are better than another...

Words can hurt. You may not think that your one sentence can hurt that other person... You may think that you're just joking...but how do you know how the other person is going to take what you are saying. Maybe they have other issues in their life and your words relate to them. Don't say things to other people that you wouldn't like if they said it to you. Think before you speak.
I think bullying can depend on the person. You can take people's words how you want to. Some may be able to ignore them, disregard it...others may be affected by them.
I see teenagers and adults on YouTube, crying out for help.... Some threatening to end their life and others who have ended their life. Because of words said to them by someone else. This is unacceptable. Why should someone be made to feel like that. Alienated and bullied to the point that they want to take their life. It's not a sign of weakness... It's how people have made them feel. If you're constantly told you are useless, worthless, no one will ever want you, no one wants to be your friend... You start to believe it. Especially if you are young and impressionable.

I wish I could do something to stop things like this happening but I can't. Life is full of this and for some reason, there is always a problem with race, weight, height, gender, sex and sometimes...no reason. Just because people have been bullied themselves they feel the need to bully other people. I think bullies usually have their own insecurities and have to hurt someone else to make themselves feel a better person. This is wrong.

I think we all have words we regret saying to someone else... But realise it and/or fix it. No one should have to feel bullied for no reason. Every person has the same feelings and we are all the same human beings.

I hope that the people I have heard about realise how strong they are and that through all the things they experience, they will become stronger and a better person than the nasty people who hurt them.

Can't we live a life where everyone can be nice to each other?

2013, depression vs happiness

2013 has not been a barrel of laughs. I think this year has tested me and broke me and will finally make me.
I thought my year was going to be different. I had a new job back in the office and thought things were going to be more chilled out. I had a number of things happen to me lately which tested me but although sometimes I felt that I'd never recover from it, I have and I will. Things happen in life to make us stronger and I needed these changes to make me realise who I was and to really make me think about things.
Then I found myself in Australia....AGAIN. I did two races and now I can settle back into having a normal life. My life in racing is over and I am very happy that I achieved what I wanted to but I am now ready for new challenges and want to put those experiences behind me.

Depression is misunderstood. A lot of people think being depressed is just being sad... Until you've been through it you never know how it actually feels. It's a horrible disease that eats away at you and just because you're depressed it doesn't mean you're weak. To recognise it and do something about it means you're strong. I've looked at many a video on YouTube lately and I am horrified at the amount of people suffering and it pains me that I can't do anything about it. My next blog is going to be about some of the issues I've come across, because although the issues don't directly affect me, I want people to be aware of the things that happen.

I've been through depression and I needed it to make me realise who I am and who I want to be. I became lost because of many reasons which I chose to ignore until they broke me...but things always come back and bite you in the assss. Now I'm learning to deal with things, change myself for the better and be the person that I want to be. At times like these you also realise who really cares about you. I'm so grateful to a few people for showing me this and for helping me piece my life together to allow me to write this without falling apart. You know who you are, and I love you.
The last year has been full of ups and downs. Working in the job I was in, isn't the most healthy lifestyle to be in. Although it sounds glamorous, you have to be pretty strong to deal with it. It broke relationships around me, I lost who I was and I was never at home. It was hard sometimes, physically and emotionally. I'm not saying this happens to everyone. This is only related to me personally. I can't comment how it is for others.

But as I said, I shut the door on that chapter and now I'm moving onto the next. I have a lot of new challenges to face and I'm excited at the responsibility and the opportunities that lie ahead. My outlook on my work life has changed dramatically in just a week. I am now looking forward to Mondays... I'm looking forward to learning new things. I work best being thrown into the deep end, where I work as hard as I can to swim out of it and that's exactly what I'm now doing...and I'm enjoying it!

Happiness is what you make of it. What is happiness? Money? Friends? Love? Work?
For me it's none of those things. It's me. All those things play a part in finding happiness, but the main thing is what is inside me. My heart and my soul. If I can be happy with myself, then other things are an added bonus to make me even happier. I want to be the perfect person that I can be, without hurting anyone with unkind words or actions, I want people to know who I am before they judge me and hurt me, i want to love myself and show other people why. I've made mistakes and I've learnt a lot from them. I won't be making the same mistake twice.

Now, if you ever suffer from depression, don't think that you are alone. You're not. Some people will help you and stick by you, others will disappear...but it only makes you realise who is meant to be in your life. Talk to people, don't hide your feelings like I did and pretend to be ok. Deal with the problems and get over it to move on. If you need to, seek medical help. There's lots out there and this is a good site for advice...even if you're not unhappy. It can't hurt to build on positive emotions and cognitive behaviour and therapy has always interested me:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk

Keep smiling and think positive :)

Goodbye racing, hello life!

The last races of the season are now over. Austin was awesome and I spent way too much money on cowboy boots, clothes and peanut butter m&ms! Americans are so enthusiastic, even about things like f1 which they don't really know anything about. I packed to go away with summer clothes and it ended up being freezing there! An excuse to buy more jumpers :)
Then onto Brazil where we should have got a 1-2 but these things happen. I hope Lewis does well with his new team.

Brazil was my last race in F1. I am now back to being factory based from next year and am looking forward to getting my life back. I can now get back into photography and see my friends and spend time with people when I want to.

It's been an experience. Being the only girl amongst 40 guys was tough at times but you get used to it and I've learnt a lot about men! And I thought girls were bad!!!!
The last 2 years has been a huge roller coaster. I started the job blindly and 2 years later have gained a lot of experience as well as visited countries I never would have had the chance to go to. I've met a few great people and a few, not so great... But overall it's been interesting!
I'm glad I finally had the opportunity to do what I wanted to do and experienced the madness of racing.

I'm totally shattered now, physically and mentally... And am going to Burma for 3 weeks for Xmas to chill ou and explore. I cannot wait.
The new year brings new beginnings and I'm going to find new challenges. Who knows what 2013 brings...

On BBC Sport website back in October

Bye bye Lewis 

With Jenson 

Me trying not to get run over in the pitlane

Add caption

Been a while...

It's been a while since I've had 5 minutes to write anything down...
I travelled 6 countries in 5 weeks in September and I came back absolutely shattered. Starting in Singapore, then Malaysia and Cambodia on holiday then back to work in Japan and Korea. After a week in Japan, it felt like I never had a holiday. Cambodia is not a relaxing holiday. Well, not the one I had anyway. It was full of exploring and emotion. Once back from Korea, I landed at about 6am and caught a flight that afternoon to Tunisia to chill out. And that's exactly what I did for 5 days. Doing this job, I cannot explain the emotional, physical and exhaustion that you feel when you get home. There is nothing I can compare it to to explain it.

2 weeks later and I have been working on India and Abu Dhabi time. Starting work at 3am and finishing at about 2pm makes you feel like you have jetlag without even going anywhere. Going to work when its dark and going to bed when it's light. I have enough trouble trying to sleep as it is, let alone when its not supposed to be bedtime!

So, Japan.... It was nice to go back to Japan and fill up my suitcase full of sweets and food :) I was also surprised, again at the adoration the fans have for F1. People should not forget that that those fans are what keeps the sport going in some countries and although may seem totally fanatical, it's nice to know that there are people out there who are so into what we do.
I had a few fans come and talk to me to say hello and one had made me a paper fan with my picture on! I also received lots of Japanese sweets. It was quite a shock that anyone even knows who I am.

I've now finally got to spend a few weeks at home, although all I have done is work and sleep! But its nice to be able to come home after work and be in my own space. I haven't had time to catch up with people I want to see due to my weird hours lately, but hopefully that'll soon change.

I went to see Skyfall the other day in a cool cinema which has sofas in. For the first time ever, I went to the cinema, fell asleep and woke up at the end. So I still haven't seen it... :( Very annoying, but just shows how long it takes to recover from working constantly and being totally shattered beyond belief.

I've been trying to edit my photos from my trips when I can but there are so many I still haven't got through them all. A lot of Cambodia pics can now be seen on my flickr page. www.flickr.com/steppy1980
I'm a perfectionist when it comes to photography... and I'm still frustrated that I can't take the photos I want to take most of the time. I'll get there eventually... I'm planning to go on holiday again when the season is over for about 3 weeks. We are still yet to find the perfect destination, but Vietnam is a possibility. I know that I'm going to need a secluded beach, a hammock, lots of sun and a bit of exploring :) Any suggestions?
Problem with travelling in December is that flights double in price... I'm going to have to keep searching...

So the last leg of this years travels is almost here. In the next week, I will be in America and then Brazil. I've only ever been to Vegas so I'm quite looking forward to seeing another part of America... and eating big fat cheesecake, and visiting an Apple store :) It's the little things... :) Then onto Brazil to eat lots of meat and look forward to a month off and getting my life back.

There's a lot of changes going on in my life yet again. This time more confusing. I need to decide where my life is going and what to do with it. I've always been one who is capable of many little things but never have one thing that stands out. Like, most people can say they are good at drawing, or mathematics or science... but me... ermm, I'm good at eating, does that count? I need to find that one thing and learn to do it well. Or do I... who knows...  I need to look for more challenges and I have a feeling 2013, which is fast approaching, will be a year of many changes.

“I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.”  

Mary Anne Radmacher Hershey

Angkor Wat at sunrise

Kids from a Cambodian village posing

Cambodian Village

Me at Angkor Wat

Siem Reap Day 2

Got up at half 4 today to go and catch the sunrise at Angkor Wat. I left my room to find the hotel had locked all it's doors and all the staff were asleep on the beds by the pool... I felt bad having to wake them up but did so that I could get out and meet my guide for the next 2 days.
While researching Cambodia a few weeks ago I read a blog by a canadian man who had been to Cambodia a few times a long time ago and met a tuktuk driver who took an interest in his camera. He let him use his camera and found that he had an eye for good pictures so next time he went, he took him a camera as a present. From then on this tuktuk driver learnt as much as he could about photography and went on to take amazing photographs. This mans name is Kimleng Sang and I found his details on the Internet and booked him for 2 days.
I met Kimleng outside the hotel and we made our way down pitch back streets to Angkor Wat. I had no idea what to expect. The rain yesterday had caused trees to fall down and flooding so it was very wet on the potholed roads to Angkor Wat. We walked up to the temple using his phone as a torch. I could see a huge black building in front of me with some towers. So we stood in front of it and Kimleng had brought his tripod so that I could use it to photograph the sunrise, so we set up and waited... 10 mins later the sky got lighter and an amazing temple stood before me. I've never had the opportunity to try to take photographs of something so amazing. Even my iPhone would have produced amazing pictures. I am looking forward to looking at these when I get home!

We moved around, away from all the other tourists and took photos from different angles. I hope I get some good pictures!

After taking dozens of pictures we went to a local place to have coffee. I wanted to ask for a latte but thought they might just say "what?" so just ordered a coffee. Kimleng had an iced coffee which looked yummy, so I made up my mind to order that next time!

We spent the day driving in his tuktuk to the various temples and taking photographs. Kimleng is an amazing photographer and pretty much self taught. He is also very patient and when I was getting frustrated with not being able to work out the right settings he would help me and be spot on every time. He took me on side routes away from the tourists and if the tourists were going in one entrance we'd walk through a forest to get to another where we could take photographs without hundreds of tourists in the way. we went to a couple of small temple entrances where there were no tourists as normal guides don't tend to go there. We climbed up rocks for him to show me different angles for photographs and a different perspective to a scene that every other person was taking a photograph of. One thing I want to learn more about in photography is lighting and Kimleng manages to spot a good photograph with amazing lighting wherever he goes. he taught me a lot today about finding different perspectives and using lighting. I didn't realise I was going to learn so much from him!

I took a photograph of a trees roots over the temple... Looked pretty cool to me... Then Kimleng told me to climb up about 2 foot and stand on a rock, I did, and suddenly I had a totally different photo. Water appeared from nowhere and I now had an amazing reflection of the tree and the temple, making a totally different scene.

Enough about photography, for now... The temples are something else. It amazes me that these buildings were built with so much detail and so many of them. It took them 37 years to complete but even 37 years seems short if you look at the vastness of this place. a few of them are currently being restored and I liked hearing that other countries were restoring them. Japan and India being 2 of the ones I saw.
The facts and stories about Angkor Wat are very interesting whether you are religious or not. I imagine that if you are a Buddhist this place would be even more of a massive interest to you.
I'm glad I went to the museum yesterday as I learnt a bit about what certain things meant and the symbolism of some of the temples and it's features. Although Kimleng is very knowledgable and explained lots of things to me.
The detail on the walls of the temples are amazing. Some of them are so intricate you wonder how they did it. in fact I don't even know how they did it. That's something I want to find out

I would love to have seen Angkor Wat when it was built and be an invisible person wondering around and looking at the temples and their running back then. I always say that about London too. I'd love to walk around there too in about 1910/1920 and see how things were.

Cambodian children are beautiful. Fact.
Every single one I have seen has the most amazing eyes and smiles. I love taking portraits of people, mostly when they aren't looking, and it's so easy to get a good photo of these kids. You just have to press the shutter. In fact i prefer taking photos of these kids looking at me, for once, as they all have amazing eyes!

Someone told me I had to try the pineapple on a stick whilst in Cambodia. I found one of these today and was so happy! A whole (mini) pineapple cut and put on a stick. Yum yum! I stupidly got it just after a massive lunch so couldn't finish it, but at Angkor temple I was mesmerised by two poor children looking through bins for used water bottles to sell. They were sisters. The younger one couldn't have been more than about 2 years old, following her older sister around in her pretty little dirty dress. I kept turning around to take photos of them then remembered I still had pineapple left. I took it to the older sister who stood in front of me, staring at me with her hands together for minutes to say thank you. it was the sweetest thing. her younger sister then started crying as she wasn't sharing her pineapple so Kimleng told them to share and they both carried on walking munching on their bits of pineapple. They were the cutest kids ever. I have loads of photos of the younger sister who I was mesmerised by. I wish I could have taken them home!
Later on, I met another small boy who was trying to sell me bracelets. I wouldn't buy them as Kimleng told me if I buy from kids it just shows them they don't need to go to school as they can earn money instead so to buy from adults. Not that I can buy anything as my suitcase is fully jammed with work clothes! anyway this kid tried to give me a bracelet after I said no repeatedly and said I want to give it to you. I said no, but he hooked it on my camera and stepped away. I tried to give it back to him and said he should try to sell it to someone not give it to me, but he refused to take it and told me not to forget him. I'll wear that bracelet and think of him and hope he is doing well.

For lunch I tried a typical Cambodian dish, amok fish curry and rice. The food was yummy. We also ordered fried eggplant and i tried the chilli pork which was also good.
I found some amok curry spices yesterday with a recipe so that I can take it back and try cooking it with my lovely other half who raves about Cambodia and wanted the curry!

I am now back at my hotel in my bright orange hotel room, chilling. Wondering whether to go out and try and find food or just to go to sleep! We spent 12 hours exploring today and it was pretty tiring, especially in the heat. It rained for about 10 minutes at lunchtime and after the rain, the heat became quite overbearing.

So, this pol pot dictator... I need to learn more, but I was told about when he was around. Back when he was leading, apparently people from this regime would come to the houses and ask the children what their mummy's had been cooking. If they replied chicken or beef or anything other than mouse/snail etc, they would come into the house and the family would be shot for eating well. Educated people were killed, rows of girls and boys were taken into the street and told right you're marrying the boy over there and if they refused, they'd be killed. There's many more stories and they are despicable. I'm very interested in learning much more about Cambodia and I'll be coming back again with greater knowledge of the place.
Even now, some of the people from this regime still run in government and the stories I hear and the things that I can see here, I do not agree with at all. I wish the world could be a better place.

I am looking forward to getting my photos onto my laptop when I get back to the UK and seeing how they have come out. I hope I manage to capture the amazingness of this place somehow.

Siem Reap Day 1

I arrived in Siem Reap at 07:50 thinking, I have no US dollars, I have no idea how much a taxi is going to cost so I might get ripped off and I have no idea about anything about this country...
Stepped off the plane and straight into the Visa queue. Got a visa for $25 and off I went. Outside, you can get a motorbike taxi anywhere for $2. As I only had a rucksack I decided to do that as it sounded more fun than a car or a tuktuk! (there's a cash point in the airport... Phew!)
Got to my hotel and had arranged to meet a guide a few hours later so chilled out for a bit. It's so hot here'. You walk out of air con and you're sweating.

I met my guide at 11. He took me to Tonle Sap lake and sent me off on a boat ride. The guys told me it was $25 for about 2 hours. After paying it I realised I should have haggled. Oh well, you live and learn. The boat trip was awesome. Saw the locals living on their boats and stilt houses. The lake was like the sea. Huge. It's about 55km across in rainy season, which is now.
We passed a floating orphanage school where the kids parents had passed away due to illness from the water or they had left the kids behind and moved on. This was pretty sad to hear.
On the way back they stopped at a community food centre and told me I could buy food and take it to the orphanage. I wanted to do that... Until they tried to make me pay $85 for a sack of rice. I could send it from England cheaper than that! I asked about a bag of sweets instead which was about 10 packets of small crisps. $5 I was told. I'm not paying $5 for a few crisps to take to a load of kids where it's not even going to go around 10 of them... I felt really bad not buying anything but the prices were ridiculous. It's not like I'm a rich westerner who has money to burn. Even if i was, thats just absurd! After that the feeling I got from the guide was that they didn't like it that I hadn't bought anything and I couldn't wait to get off the boat. when getting off talk of tips started and because they went on at me when they'd already made me feel bad I didn't want to leave anything. I didn't know if leaving just a dollar was being offensive but after paying $25 for 2 hours I didn't see the justification anymore. Bearing in mind my tuktuk guide was $15 for most of the day!
I left them feeling guilty but I didn't like that they became rude because I didn't do what they wanted.
After meeting my guide again we drove back towards the city and I went to the Angkor Wat museum to find out what the meaning of all these temples was.
It was interesting but I was shattered from only having slept an hour the night before and working weird hours in Singapore, plus the heat didnt help!

Following this we drive to the killing fields and learnt about Pol Pot. A disgusting dictator. I need to read up more on the goings on of Cambodia. But this man was terrible. More on him later.

In the evening I went to a local restaurant which was a Cambodian buffet with Cambodian dancing. The food was good and I ate as I sat watching the tens of little lizards crawling across the ceiling! the dance show was good, if a little slow! But a good insight into the culture, clothing and dance.
By this point I wanted my bed and I had to be up at 4:45am to see the sunrise at Angkor Wat the next day so I went back and chilled at the hotel pool bar for a little while. It was then I heard thunder... 5 mins later and I thought the trees were going to come flying at me and the hotel staff were rushing around madly trying not to let the hotel flood. A rain storm had begun and it's the craziest rain I've ever seen! it was like someone had opened up the clouds and instantly all the water in the sky decided to drop down!
I sat watching it and listening to the thunder for a while, while skyping home to show them the rain! then decided I better go to bed before I got soaked! The 2 seconds I had to walk outside to get to my room got me drenched!

All in all I found my first day in Cambodia pretty hard. Being on my own and not strong willed enough to brush people off or be rude got to me a bit and I felt a bit worried about the rest of my stay. Hopefully tommorow will be a better day!

Travel list - 1st check!

I have made it to one of the countries on my travel list! I have just arrived in Cambodia-Siem Reap.
I flew from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur for the night then onto Siem Reap. Spent the day shopping in some oversized mall and ended up buying a bigger memory card, a filter and a camera bag. All because of my over excitedness about my trip to Cambodia! My main reason to come here is to explore and take photos. I'm only here for 3 days and have hired a photographer/tuktuk driver for 2 days! Hoping he can take me to some cool places, having a shared interest and learn off each other!
I found him on a photographers blog funnily enough. This guy had come out to Cambodia a few years back and hired a tuktuk and the driver seemed interested in the camera so long story short, he let him have a go and ended up buying him a camera and getting him proper training! Looking forward to meeting him!

I booked some cheap hotel in KL and forgot to really look at location.... As I was in the room for a total of 6 hours it wasn't a bother but the area was like a little India. That place definitely isn't making it to my travel list!
I got a cab at 3am to go to the airport and got quite a shock. Right, religion...
Actually I'm not going to go off on that right now... Im too tired and I want to go exploring. Basically the taxi driver was a Muslim man in full attire. Nothing wrong with that. I'm in a Muslim country. But playing chants... For the hour journey to the airport in your taxi? Not just chants... Shouting... about how Allah is the greatest. Telling me i belong to him, everything belongs to him... Not telling, shouting. I even tried paying attention but he was shouting at a hundred words per second.
Each to their own, and I'm interested in people's beliefs... But i wasn't impressed by what I heard. more on religion another time... !!

It's so HOT here. you walk outside and break out in a sweat. And I'm not sure how to dress. Im going to temples.... So I should dress respectfully but it's so hot!!!!! I think i need to leave my gold sequin bikini top and pink hot pants in my suitcase and bear the heat in trousers and t-shirts....
By the way... For those who don't know me... I am joking. but the thought of going out in this heat in trousers and long sleeve tops makes me hot just thinking about it. hmmmm I'll have to compromise somehow...

Time to go out and bear the heat!

Never any normality

Just finished what felt like the longest race ever. Doing Singapore is fun but tiring due to the time changes. We start the week in Singapore time then half way through switch to European time...so dealing with jet lag and working is not the most pleasant experience. Also means that when the week is over, like now, and I'm on holiday.... I can't SLEEP!!!!

I've stayed out in Singapore and am at sentosa island. I'm going exploring for a few days though. Off to Kuala Lumpur today then Cambodia tommorow. I'm so excited about going to take photos in Siem Reap. I've hired a tuktuk driver/photographer to take me to Angkor Wat and booked the most random hotel I can find :)

My life's changed so much in a year. A year ago I would have been too scared to go off travelling alone and exploring random places, my head was in a different place. I'm now excited about finding new things and can't wait to get to Cambodia!

Now i have a few countries to visit and a few weeks work to do!

Will update on Cambodia in a few days!
If anyone has been to Cambodia and can recommend anywhere to visit, please comment!! Thanks :)