Fulfilling a light dream

I've been trawling the internet for weeks looking for where to go on holiday next. A hot country? An interesting city? Visit Santa? And I finally decided to check off one on my travel list and decided on Iceland. I searched Reyjavik high and low for a good deal in which I wouldn't end up in a cheap b&b (when I say cheap, I guess I mean tacky...as nothing's cheap in Iceland) with a nightclub in the basement and tourists flooding the place. 

I kept searching and kept losing patience at how many options there were. I decided to ring the company who sorted out my Burma flights who have the most exceptional service I've ever experienced from a travel company. It's Dial-A-Flight, by the way. 

They suggested a holiday to a place in the middle of nowhere in South Iceland. Specifically for Northern lights, which is why I want to go Iceland. 

The hotel has outdoor hot tubs and surrounded by lakes, mountains and glaciers. It looks amazing. Although the price deterred me a bit...you only live once! 

I just hope I actually manage to capture some northern lights. Watching them from a hot tub sounds pretty amazing to me! And hopefully I can make some snow angels and snowmen too :) 

It's been weird not travelling this year. I can't say I miss it.... But I do miss visiting random places I've never been to before. Working in an office environment, although not quite the normal office, is quite a change. I have to sit still for long periods of time! Not easy for someone like me... I've been used to bounding around the world, constantly being busy and physically active. 

Now I eat cake and play with servers. 

Anyway I am too excited about going away again in December. I can't wait. It always excites me to go to a new place and I usually look for the unusual. I am still searching the net for random things that can be done while in Iceland. I have 5 days to fit as much chilling, light searching and snow playing in :) 

Bring on December! 

An inspirational star

A few weeks ago I got an email from my local cinema - one that has sofas and wine coolers and you can order food to your sofa. It's amazing! Recommend it if you have one near you - Everyman cinemas. Anyway before I go off on a tangent.... The email was an advert for a preview for a new film called Hawking. I had no idea what it was and saw that the evening also included a Q&A with a Professor Hawking. Professor Stephen Hawking. 

At school, science for me consisted of going to classes and playing with bunsen burners and chemicals and generally not paying much attention. I'm not a sciency maths person... I'm an English, art, PE person. Anyway, when I saw this I had to go. The story of a man who talks through a computer. That's pretty much all I knew about him. 

The film started and we were shown the life of Professor Hawking. Afterwards a satellite Q&A hosted by that annoying dude who hosts edgy documentaries and used to do the news. 

He annoyed me as when Mary Hawking was up to talk, he'd ask her questions and without giving her time to answer would interrupt and carry on talking. We're not here to listen to you host man...

Then the ultimate fail... Stephen Hawkings turn to be on stage came and it was like they didn't know he was coming. He was sat about 2 feet left from the host the entire time, but he was asked to go around the stage to the other side and they struggled for about 10 minutes trying to squeeze Stephen along the front and onto the stage. At which point I tweeted the host saying "can you not just turn your chair around and go to Stephen?!!" He sat and watched all this going on like a helpless character. It was an embarrassing scene. 

Anyway, my thoughts have been immersed by what I saw last night. I am totally amazed at the strength and character of this 71 year old man, who was told he had 2 years to live at the age of 20. 

He is a true inspiration. His voice is heard by him moving a muscle in his cheek to select letters and words on the screen which is then read out by the computer. He does this at a rate of 1 word every 3 seconds. Can you imagine having to do that? It takes me 3 seconds to think of a word sometimes! 

He has achieved so much in his life so far, despite having an awful illness. If I were in his shoes, I feel I would have given up. Having this enormous brain trapped in a slowly deteriorating body to the point now where only a few muscles remain working. 

It makes me ashamed of how i have acted sometimes. I have been in a place before where I didn't know how to carry on with life anymore. Compared to this amazing man, I'm ashamed to have even had those thoughts. He has inspired me to find determination and overcome anything. 

Not only is Professor Hawking an intelligent man who discovered the black hole theory and lots of other universy things that are way beyond my brain capacity, his humour and wittiness shows through and his personality can be seen through his eyes and expression. It saddens me that such a man has had to suffer this disability, but his attitude is inspiring.

I hope he lives a long time and continues to inspire other people and I hope things can be developed in order to make his life easier. I also hope he fulfils his dream of getting to space. 

"We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet"

Stephen Hawking

A day off to sort my life out

I am a hoarder.... And it is now time to get rid of the rubbish I've kept over the years, thinking that I can't throw them away or I'll use them again someday. Who am I kidding...no I won't. How old am I? 13? Keeping hold of my Japanese eraser collection, the hundreds of cheap make up, plastic jewellery, books....they all now need to go.
Have you ever had a massive clear out? Do you know the feeling of when you start clearing and sorting through things and suddenly your room looks like a bombs hit it... You can't walk on the floor, your bed is covered in a mountain so high of clothes that you could ski down it.... And then you hit a point where you don't know what to do with it all and the thought of sorting through it is unbearable so you sit there and procrastinate... That's what I'm doing now.... Playing pointless games on my ipad, thinking of where I can go and take some photos....eating, for the sake of eating to pass time... Texting my friends to tell them what I'm doing... Hmmm what else can I do to buy a few more minutes :)

But once I've got over my procrastinating and get back on it...hopefully my room will be clean and won't be filled with clutter! Another step toward making my life clutter free. In my room and my mind!

I bought some new lenses for my camera this week. I haven't picked up my camera and taken any creative photos for what feels like a few years. That's my next mission. To pick that up again. I can't wait to go out and see what these lenses can do! Going to get on the urban exploring path again and find weird and wonderful places to explore!

On another note, I started helping at the local theatre again. We're rehearsing a play called Violette which was written by the director. It's a very emotional play about a girl during WW2. I'm prompting and photographing :) I was away working for the auditions, but maybe next time I'll find some confidence to actually audition again! Can't wait to see the play come together, and I hope I can capture the emotion in photographs for memories for the cast and to promote the show.

I suppose I'd better get back to de-cluttering..... That's enough procrastinating... For now :)

Serious subject no.1: Bullying

Bullying can be defined to so many different opinions. One may think bullying is funny and just a joke, one may think others deserve it, one may intentionally try to hurt another....
It's not funny.

I've watched so many YouTube videos lately on various subjects. When you watch a video, related videos pop up and you end up watching random videos on random subjects... Now bullying is one that I found disturbing.
There seems to be so many people that feel bullied which lead them to have suicidal thoughts, lack self esteem and self confidence. And I bet the people don't realise that this is how they're words and actions make other people feel. We are all the same human beings. Why should one person think they are more intelligent than another, more good looking than another, think that in any way they are better than another...

Words can hurt. You may not think that your one sentence can hurt that other person... You may think that you're just joking...but how do you know how the other person is going to take what you are saying. Maybe they have other issues in their life and your words relate to them. Don't say things to other people that you wouldn't like if they said it to you. Think before you speak.
I think bullying can depend on the person. You can take people's words how you want to. Some may be able to ignore them, disregard it...others may be affected by them.
I see teenagers and adults on YouTube, crying out for help.... Some threatening to end their life and others who have ended their life. Because of words said to them by someone else. This is unacceptable. Why should someone be made to feel like that. Alienated and bullied to the point that they want to take their life. It's not a sign of weakness... It's how people have made them feel. If you're constantly told you are useless, worthless, no one will ever want you, no one wants to be your friend... You start to believe it. Especially if you are young and impressionable.

I wish I could do something to stop things like this happening but I can't. Life is full of this and for some reason, there is always a problem with race, weight, height, gender, sex and sometimes...no reason. Just because people have been bullied themselves they feel the need to bully other people. I think bullies usually have their own insecurities and have to hurt someone else to make themselves feel a better person. This is wrong.

I think we all have words we regret saying to someone else... But realise it and/or fix it. No one should have to feel bullied for no reason. Every person has the same feelings and we are all the same human beings.

I hope that the people I have heard about realise how strong they are and that through all the things they experience, they will become stronger and a better person than the nasty people who hurt them.

Can't we live a life where everyone can be nice to each other?

2013, depression vs happiness

2013 has not been a barrel of laughs. I think this year has tested me and broke me and will finally make me.
I thought my year was going to be different. I had a new job back in the office and thought things were going to be more chilled out. I had a number of things happen to me lately which tested me but although sometimes I felt that I'd never recover from it, I have and I will. Things happen in life to make us stronger and I needed these changes to make me realise who I was and to really make me think about things.
Then I found myself in Australia....AGAIN. I did two races and now I can settle back into having a normal life. My life in racing is over and I am very happy that I achieved what I wanted to but I am now ready for new challenges and want to put those experiences behind me.

Depression is misunderstood. A lot of people think being depressed is just being sad... Until you've been through it you never know how it actually feels. It's a horrible disease that eats away at you and just because you're depressed it doesn't mean you're weak. To recognise it and do something about it means you're strong. I've looked at many a video on YouTube lately and I am horrified at the amount of people suffering and it pains me that I can't do anything about it. My next blog is going to be about some of the issues I've come across, because although the issues don't directly affect me, I want people to be aware of the things that happen.

I've been through depression and I needed it to make me realise who I am and who I want to be. I became lost because of many reasons which I chose to ignore until they broke me...but things always come back and bite you in the assss. Now I'm learning to deal with things, change myself for the better and be the person that I want to be. At times like these you also realise who really cares about you. I'm so grateful to a few people for showing me this and for helping me piece my life together to allow me to write this without falling apart. You know who you are, and I love you.
The last year has been full of ups and downs. Working in the job I was in, isn't the most healthy lifestyle to be in. Although it sounds glamorous, you have to be pretty strong to deal with it. It broke relationships around me, I lost who I was and I was never at home. It was hard sometimes, physically and emotionally. I'm not saying this happens to everyone. This is only related to me personally. I can't comment how it is for others.

But as I said, I shut the door on that chapter and now I'm moving onto the next. I have a lot of new challenges to face and I'm excited at the responsibility and the opportunities that lie ahead. My outlook on my work life has changed dramatically in just a week. I am now looking forward to Mondays... I'm looking forward to learning new things. I work best being thrown into the deep end, where I work as hard as I can to swim out of it and that's exactly what I'm now doing...and I'm enjoying it!

Happiness is what you make of it. What is happiness? Money? Friends? Love? Work?
For me it's none of those things. It's me. All those things play a part in finding happiness, but the main thing is what is inside me. My heart and my soul. If I can be happy with myself, then other things are an added bonus to make me even happier. I want to be the perfect person that I can be, without hurting anyone with unkind words or actions, I want people to know who I am before they judge me and hurt me, i want to love myself and show other people why. I've made mistakes and I've learnt a lot from them. I won't be making the same mistake twice.

Now, if you ever suffer from depression, don't think that you are alone. You're not. Some people will help you and stick by you, others will disappear...but it only makes you realise who is meant to be in your life. Talk to people, don't hide your feelings like I did and pretend to be ok. Deal with the problems and get over it to move on. If you need to, seek medical help. There's lots out there and this is a good site for advice...even if you're not unhappy. It can't hurt to build on positive emotions and cognitive behaviour and therapy has always interested me:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk

Keep smiling and think positive :)

Goodbye racing, hello life!

The last races of the season are now over. Austin was awesome and I spent way too much money on cowboy boots, clothes and peanut butter m&ms! Americans are so enthusiastic, even about things like f1 which they don't really know anything about. I packed to go away with summer clothes and it ended up being freezing there! An excuse to buy more jumpers :)
Then onto Brazil where we should have got a 1-2 but these things happen. I hope Lewis does well with his new team.

Brazil was my last race in F1. I am now back to being factory based from next year and am looking forward to getting my life back. I can now get back into photography and see my friends and spend time with people when I want to.

It's been an experience. Being the only girl amongst 40 guys was tough at times but you get used to it and I've learnt a lot about men! And I thought girls were bad!!!!
The last 2 years has been a huge roller coaster. I started the job blindly and 2 years later have gained a lot of experience as well as visited countries I never would have had the chance to go to. I've met a few great people and a few, not so great... But overall it's been interesting!
I'm glad I finally had the opportunity to do what I wanted to do and experienced the madness of racing.

I'm totally shattered now, physically and mentally... And am going to Burma for 3 weeks for Xmas to chill ou and explore. I cannot wait.
The new year brings new beginnings and I'm going to find new challenges. Who knows what 2013 brings...

On BBC Sport website back in October

Bye bye Lewis 

With Jenson 

Me trying not to get run over in the pitlane

Add caption

Been a while...

It's been a while since I've had 5 minutes to write anything down...
I travelled 6 countries in 5 weeks in September and I came back absolutely shattered. Starting in Singapore, then Malaysia and Cambodia on holiday then back to work in Japan and Korea. After a week in Japan, it felt like I never had a holiday. Cambodia is not a relaxing holiday. Well, not the one I had anyway. It was full of exploring and emotion. Once back from Korea, I landed at about 6am and caught a flight that afternoon to Tunisia to chill out. And that's exactly what I did for 5 days. Doing this job, I cannot explain the emotional, physical and exhaustion that you feel when you get home. There is nothing I can compare it to to explain it.

2 weeks later and I have been working on India and Abu Dhabi time. Starting work at 3am and finishing at about 2pm makes you feel like you have jetlag without even going anywhere. Going to work when its dark and going to bed when it's light. I have enough trouble trying to sleep as it is, let alone when its not supposed to be bedtime!

So, Japan.... It was nice to go back to Japan and fill up my suitcase full of sweets and food :) I was also surprised, again at the adoration the fans have for F1. People should not forget that that those fans are what keeps the sport going in some countries and although may seem totally fanatical, it's nice to know that there are people out there who are so into what we do.
I had a few fans come and talk to me to say hello and one had made me a paper fan with my picture on! I also received lots of Japanese sweets. It was quite a shock that anyone even knows who I am.

I've now finally got to spend a few weeks at home, although all I have done is work and sleep! But its nice to be able to come home after work and be in my own space. I haven't had time to catch up with people I want to see due to my weird hours lately, but hopefully that'll soon change.

I went to see Skyfall the other day in a cool cinema which has sofas in. For the first time ever, I went to the cinema, fell asleep and woke up at the end. So I still haven't seen it... :( Very annoying, but just shows how long it takes to recover from working constantly and being totally shattered beyond belief.

I've been trying to edit my photos from my trips when I can but there are so many I still haven't got through them all. A lot of Cambodia pics can now be seen on my flickr page. www.flickr.com/steppy1980
I'm a perfectionist when it comes to photography... and I'm still frustrated that I can't take the photos I want to take most of the time. I'll get there eventually... I'm planning to go on holiday again when the season is over for about 3 weeks. We are still yet to find the perfect destination, but Vietnam is a possibility. I know that I'm going to need a secluded beach, a hammock, lots of sun and a bit of exploring :) Any suggestions?
Problem with travelling in December is that flights double in price... I'm going to have to keep searching...

So the last leg of this years travels is almost here. In the next week, I will be in America and then Brazil. I've only ever been to Vegas so I'm quite looking forward to seeing another part of America... and eating big fat cheesecake, and visiting an Apple store :) It's the little things... :) Then onto Brazil to eat lots of meat and look forward to a month off and getting my life back.

There's a lot of changes going on in my life yet again. This time more confusing. I need to decide where my life is going and what to do with it. I've always been one who is capable of many little things but never have one thing that stands out. Like, most people can say they are good at drawing, or mathematics or science... but me... ermm, I'm good at eating, does that count? I need to find that one thing and learn to do it well. Or do I... who knows...  I need to look for more challenges and I have a feeling 2013, which is fast approaching, will be a year of many changes.

“I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the world.”  

Mary Anne Radmacher Hershey

Angkor Wat at sunrise

Kids from a Cambodian village posing

Cambodian Village

Me at Angkor Wat