I thought my year was going to be different. I had a new job back in the office and thought things were going to be more chilled out. I had a number of things happen to me lately which tested me but although sometimes I felt that I'd never recover from it, I have and I will. Things happen in life to make us stronger and I needed these changes to make me realise who I was and to really make me think about things.
Then I found myself in Australia....AGAIN. I did two races and now I can settle back into having a normal life. My life in racing is over and I am very happy that I achieved what I wanted to but I am now ready for new challenges and want to put those experiences behind me.
Depression is misunderstood. A lot of people think being depressed is just being sad... Until you've been through it you never know how it actually feels. It's a horrible disease that eats away at you and just because you're depressed it doesn't mean you're weak. To recognise it and do something about it means you're strong. I've looked at many a video on YouTube lately and I am horrified at the amount of people suffering and it pains me that I can't do anything about it. My next blog is going to be about some of the issues I've come across, because although the issues don't directly affect me, I want people to be aware of the things that happen.
I've been through depression and I needed it to make me realise who I am and who I want to be. I became lost because of many reasons which I chose to ignore until they broke me...but things always come back and bite you in the assss. Now I'm learning to deal with things, change myself for the better and be the person that I want to be. At times like these you also realise who really cares about you. I'm so grateful to a few people for showing me this and for helping me piece my life together to allow me to write this without falling apart. You know who you are, and I love you.
The last year has been full of ups and downs. Working in the job I was in, isn't the most healthy lifestyle to be in. Although it sounds glamorous, you have to be pretty strong to deal with it. It broke relationships around me, I lost who I was and I was never at home. It was hard sometimes, physically and emotionally. I'm not saying this happens to everyone. This is only related to me personally. I can't comment how it is for others.
But as I said, I shut the door on that chapter and now I'm moving onto the next. I have a lot of new challenges to face and I'm excited at the responsibility and the opportunities that lie ahead. My outlook on my work life has changed dramatically in just a week. I am now looking forward to Mondays... I'm looking forward to learning new things. I work best being thrown into the deep end, where I work as hard as I can to swim out of it and that's exactly what I'm now doing...and I'm enjoying it!
Happiness is what you make of it. What is happiness? Money? Friends? Love? Work?
For me it's none of those things. It's me. All those things play a part in finding happiness, but the main thing is what is inside me. My heart and my soul. If I can be happy with myself, then other things are an added bonus to make me even happier. I want to be the perfect person that I can be, without hurting anyone with unkind words or actions, I want people to know who I am before they judge me and hurt me, i want to love myself and show other people why. I've made mistakes and I've learnt a lot from them. I won't be making the same mistake twice.
Now, if you ever suffer from depression, don't think that you are alone. You're not. Some people will help you and stick by you, others will disappear...but it only makes you realise who is meant to be in your life. Talk to people, don't hide your feelings like I did and pretend to be ok. Deal with the problems and get over it to move on. If you need to, seek medical help. There's lots out there and this is a good site for advice...even if you're not unhappy. It can't hurt to build on positive emotions and cognitive behaviour and therapy has always interested me:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk
Keep smiling and think positive :)
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